What is self indulgence?

I have gone through 39 years of my life. In my past (almost) 10 years of my life, my husband (now separated and soon to be divorced), used to associate grief with self indulgence. When one is coming with grief there are 5 stages. With one episode of grief, it takes time for the body and mind to assimilate, process, accept and move on. In a society today, particularly in Scottish or British Society, one is allowed to be angry, to be selfish and think of one before the other, but one is not allowed to grieve because grieving is 'self indulgent'. So what is being selfish? What is putting yourself before another so you can save yourself? What is putting another down so you can feel better? What is inviting yourself to someone else's house because, although you have the money for the holiday, you want to be as cheap as chips and take advantage of an opportunity for yourself rather than the sake of another?

When you think about this - Scottish society is the most self indulgent society ever. Because all these acts are self indulgent  (referendum, feeling like you deserve better just because you are 'Scottish'), but the common act of grieving, which is a natural process of the body letting go emotionally naturally is treated as self indulgent. Is it because anger, fighting, puting yourself first is classified as being strong and therefore non-self indulgent but the act of vulnerability displayed as weakness and therefore classified as an act of 'self indulgence'?

One great myth is tht vulnerability is a sign of weakness. When we think of times that we have felt at our most vulnerable and emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage. Vulnerability is perhaps the strongest act that one can portray. Because vulnerability protrays the true self - warts and all. It takes courage to display vulnerability. To say who you are, how it is - warts and all. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the centre of meaningful human experience.

What most of us fail to understand is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy courage, empathy, and creativity.Without vulnerability there is no love. There is no belonging. There is no joy. There is no courage.

Because I know when I cry, I am not afraid to show it. Crying is a symbol of strength and courage. And I know each time those tears flow, I understand the meaning of why they flow. Its what nature gave us naturally to return to equilibrium. Society today dictates one should not express emotion. One should retain it, or control it. We are not robots that function purely on robotic mode. Emotion is a spiritual that reflects the soul and allows us to function as nature intended. Without expressing our emotions we are not allowing ourselves to be with soul and the core of our being.

I have lit a bonfre tonight, weeded the flowers so they can breathe, put flowers on Zion and a bit of roast venison for his soul to appreciate and looking forward to watch the fourth and final blood moon eclipse in the tetrad that started last year. Nature has given me so much insight and knowledge. I feel so blessed. I know who my true friends are. I know that I don't have to prove myself to those that feel I have to prove myself to. I now know and are aware of those that I need to close the door to immediately and not feel any guilt of doing so. I feel a wonderful smile on my face that I held my values and although that office was a mess and the dishes unwashed, I am a good person, no matter how many white towels were taken (10), double duvet cover sets (9), and feather duvets and pillows were taken. Gosh, you'd think it was a second hand caravan salesman vacating the house opening up a new caravan park. That gives me a giggle.

New moon. New life. New start. Thank you mother nature. I love you XXX

Love Means Giving Someone the Chance to Hurt You but Trusting Them Not To

If someone truly loves you, they will never give you a reason to doubt it. Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you, but it takes someone really special to stay in your life and prove how much they love you. Love means giving someone the chance to hurt you, but trusting them not to. When you completely trust a person, without any doubt, you’ll automatically get one of two results - a FRIEND for life or a LESSON for life. Either way there’s a positive outcome. Either you confirm the fact that this person cares about you, or you get the opportunity to weed them out of your life and make room for those who do. In the end you’ll discover who’s fake, who’s true, and who would risk it all for you.

I am in the middle of hurting so much because I loved someone and trusted them not to hurt me. For me, that's a pretty hard thing to do. I will never trust anyone again.

Someone once asked me - 'Whose the real Laura?' they expected me to open up and tell them everything, to completely trust them. The reality was she was trying to work me out because she couldn't read me and the reality was if she really wanted to work me out and be a friend, she would have waited for the moment when I was really ready to open up and let her in. Never let anyone in, until they prove they can be trusted in your life.If that person really wants to be in your life, they won't push you to open your heart.

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/letting-go/you-deserve-a-partner-who-loves-you-unconditionally/

Dear W

Dear W

I don't know where you are but I hope you are way up high in the sky shining bright. I hope they have damn fine rum and whisky up there and you can smoke your havanas to your heart's content. I hope there is no one that goes under the pseudonym of Cabbages who turns out to be Sauerkraut unless it's a gourmet extra fine hot dog that you can photograph.  I hope no one asks you to stare at an orange for an hour in a bid to get you to be mindful whilst charging you £100/hr. I wish I had a cricket bat that I could polish and whack them over the head with. I hope there is someone up there who understands and will listen to you. My dear realist friend, I love you so much. You are the most kindest, gentlest person I have ever met with such a wonderful and generous heart. So intelligent. Brutally honest to the core. You had amazing light. There were many times I took off those rose-tinted glasses of mine. I only wish I could have given them to you. You deserved the best and the best was still waiting for you. I don't know what to say. I just hope you have found your peace. I hope you are having a laugh up there in those white fluffy clouds and have met the angel of your dreams. I love you. I will miss you. My heart is broken. Please always shine bright in the sky.

Love Pollyanna X

Smear Campaigns

Are you in an emotionally abusive relationship, and now no one will give you the time of day?  Does it seem that your co-workers, friends, and even your bank teller suddenly regard you with thinly-veiled contempt? It’s not you…it’s him.You've been smeared.

When it comes to being smeared by a Narcissist, it’s important to understand their strategy in order to lessen the confusion and humiliation of being emotionally rejected by people you’ve known for years.  Kim Saed shares an insider’s view of this ordeal from A-Z…

Shade 1 – Your relationship was over before it was over…
The reason that everyone now runs in the opposite direction from you is because the Narcissist has been smearing your reputation since before the relationship even ended.  The two main reasons for this are:

1) All relationships are doomed in the Narcissist’s mind and he wants to get a running start on assassinating your character.

2) He assumes you will vent to people in your shared social circle, and he wants to ensure he cuts you off at the pass so you will look unstable when you muster the courage to seek support.  These actions are to preserve the false image of himself he’s portrayed all along. He will only want you to talk to him or the people in his shared social circle who he has already recruited as his flying monkey.

Shade 2 – Stealth-mode assassination
Undoubtedly, you’ve been thinking about leaving for a while; or perhaps you did leave a few times only to be lured back into the Narcissist’s lair. You fell for the empty promises. Everything seemed peachy and you dared to dream of a renewed marriage/relationship with your partner.  Until you discovered that while he was smiling in your face and pretending to be Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire, he was assassinating your character to everyone within a 50–mile radius.  It’s enough to cause a rash of spontaneous peptic ulcers.

Shade 3 – The In-laws and cold shoulder galore
This phase is pretty much the dead zone.  Even his family members now believe you are an alcoholic, drug-addicted prostitute who’s been sleeping in dark alleys and digging through dumpsters for your meals. But he will always say, “I didn’t say anything to them while we were still together because I was trying to protect your image”.

Shade 4 – The dream of being at Target with no pants on
From time to time, people dream of finding themselves half-naked while performing common tasks.  Sometimes they dream of checking the mail, and realizing they are nude from the waist down.  Or maybe they dream of being in a conference with their colleagues and suddenly realize they are the only one in the board room with no clothes on.

That’s what the smear campaign feels like to the victim…only, this time it’s real.  The Narcissist has collected all your intimate fears and disappointments over the years and is now using them to fuel your public downfall.  Did you suffer from anxiety? Do you have a prescription? You’re addicted to drugs and obviously unfit as a mother.  (Never mind HE is the reason you’re on the medication).  Did you share that you felt your family didn’t love you enough?  By God, see how even your own family doesn’t want you?  He will leave no stone unturned…or perhaps “no ear” would be more appropriate.

Shade 5 – Your Are Legend…
Remember the 2007 movie starring Will Smith who finds himself the last man alive in a town of mutants? Welcome to Hollywood.  As you step out of your house or apartment, the loneliness is so overwhelming that you wonder if an asteroid touched down overnight.  You finally make your way over to Kroger in search of sustenance, and the cashier who used to give you high-fives on the way out now looks at you as if wishing you would spontaneously explode.  You almost detect a high-pitched, ultrasonic screech as you scurry by with your meager bag of chow.

When it comes to the smear campaign, no one is off limits to the Narcissist’s virtual mega-phone.  They’ll remember people you once met at a restaurant two states over, and will casually show up in that locality just to make sure no one still thinks of you in a positive light.

How to Cope
There’s really no telling what the Narcissist is saying about you.  It’s better to not think about it.
If you reach out to someone and they try to chomp your hand off down to the wrist, just write them off.  They have shown that the relationship is over.  No point in trying to defend yourself because it’s likely to make you look guilty, even though you haven’t done anything.

It’s painful, it’s humiliating…but there really isn’t much more you can do than keep on being yourself.  And that’s all that you should focus on.  If someone you’ve been “friends” with sides with the Narcissist, just know that they, too, will likely walk in your shoes one day (and they will suffer a similar fate).  It never fails. 

As for you, the comrades you have remaining are true friends. Nurture those connections, as well as yourself.  Live in spite of what the Narcissist is doing.  People will eventually see their true colors…but don’t waste your life waiting around for the Karma bus to show up.

Covert Narcissism

Covert narcissists can seem highly defensive and extremely hostile whilst masking beneath their facade a highly insecure sense of emotional vulnerability; this vulnerability they will do absolutely anything within their ability to prevent being exposed, even if it means going to the extrem (desperate times may call for desperate measures).

Although a covert narcissist generally possesses the same traits as an overt narcissist (the need for attention, approval, adulation and grandiose fantasies), these traits are not regularly expressed in their overt behavior making covert/closet (or stealth) narcissists all the more difficult to be able to recognize.

For some people it can be several decades before they can recognise this type of narcissist in their lives. 

In addition to the standard symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the covert narcissist is also susceptible to stress and worry. They have a tendency to function inefficiently whilst their inner expectations and desires remain unfulfilled. They repress their awareness of their traits. They find their fantasies embarrasing and unacceptable as deep down their fantasies are seld-centered and are there to solicit the goodness and power of themselves.

Covert narcissists are usually too afraid to exhibit any of their accomplishments to others and they commonly underestimate their own capabilities. Their overt behavior projects an innocent, angel-like, persona which builds them a credible and a faultless reputation yet they fail to reach their true potential due to their own self-doubt. Some covert narcissists end up losing all interest in their hobbies and desires and end up deciding to do nothing with their lives - they seem to have no real interests - yet they are extremely self-entitled and expect other people to do all the running round for them.

The most damaging aspect of covert narcissism is the controlling and manipulative behavior that covert, or stealth, narcissists impose on the people closest to them. If in a relationship this is often solely their partner (though this is not always the case).

In a typical case the only person who realises that there is a problem is the person who is closest to the covert/stealth narcissist, who is usually unwillingly forced to suffer the covert abuse such as very subtle emotional blackmail, mental abuse and psychological manipulation). Narcissists end up obscuring the truth and twisting literally every little detail back round onto the victim. They expertly mix the truth with a lie in order to distort the truth in their favour.This abuse is so well hidden within the communication dynamics of the relationship that the victim often doesn't pick up on it and is left scratching their head wondering - is it me?

When a victim of this type of abuse eventually begins to develop awareness of the manipulation it gradually dawns on them that they have already been ostracised long before they anticipated and the people that they turn to for help have already been made to believe it's them who is the problem - they've already been turned against the victim. The victim has been ostracised. The covert narcissist makes their victim feel like they are the one with the problem whilst projecting an innocent angel-like persona to everyone around them. They make their victim look bad and do their best to destroy their reputation in order to protect their deluded false sense of self and their distorted viewpoint of the world. Narcissists have no empathy and therefore have an invisible secret, an advantage over everyone around them.

The narcissist attains the trust, respect and belief of everyone around them and anyone close to their victim who they are likely to turn to for help. The victim feels like they are suffering alone, no-one around them can see what the deceitful, deceptive, manipulative and controlling covert narcissist is really up to.

Covert narcissists use very cleverly hidden emotional blackmail, mental abuse, suggestive techniques and manipulative linguistic patterns to force their partner to question their own sanity; behaviors which people that know them would never ever dream of them of ever being capable of. They have everybody around them fooled by their pathological self whilst wearing down at the psyche and soul of their victim who, over time, becomes anxious, depressed, loses self-esteem and feels like their soul is being taken away from them until they eventually seemingly become devoid of emotion themselves - this then further backs up the narcissists claims that their victim is the one with the problem. If the victim of a narcissist does happen to discover the truth it will always be denied by most people around them and they often end up going into a state of cognitive dissonance.

When arguing with a covert narcissist, a victim will usually be left at a dead-end. Their logic appears to be incompatible with that of the narcissist and they always get outwitted. The narcissist makes the victim believe that anything bad that happened was all in their imagination and that they are paranoid; it wasn't real.

Covert narcissists are the sort of people who have multiple partners, secret affairs (sometimes within their own family) or sometimes even a complete secret life with someone else. They recruit friends and family who are fooled by the innocent persona they project to defend their false self by convincing them that their discovered secrets are just a result of paranoia or suspicion, yet they use special occasions to get away with their infidelity; times when the victim least expects it.

When a narcissist's deceit has been discovered literally every little detail gets twisted back round on to the true victim. They are then the one being accused of the abuse, lies and/or cheating. It's a plain and simple defense mechanism which offers no logic or information on the subject and has to be kept secret in order to uphold the covert narcissist's pathological self.

Narcissists come up with one-line defense mechanisms rather than offering any logical explanation for their behavior, e.g. 'it's all in your head', 'you're paranoid', 'that didn't happen', 'I think you need to see a doctor', 'I don't know what you're talking about', and 'I never said that'.

Statements like these are an instant sign of guilt and make it clear that they're not willing to even talk about it; they are not willing to take the risk of slipping up. They make it clear, intermittently, that everything is about them whilst their partner's feelings, needs, wants and desires are completely disregarded and they will discard their partner in the process with no empathy whatsoever, seemingly being heartless and sadistic. However, covert narcissists are usually nowhere near as sadistic as malignant narcissists who tend to have a very nasty sadistic streak.

Anyone who knows about a covert narcissist's secret life is sure to be blackmailed or manipulated into keeping quiet, often by-proxy. Even when a narcissist does slip up, they may claim that they have a communication problem and that they didn't mean to use those words, they will deny their secrets until the day they die even if they've already been discovered, even if you present them with 100% factual evidence and even if you know for a fact they are lying - they will attempt to make you question the evidence.

It's also important to understand that a covert narcissist also suffers. Although on some level they must be aware of some of their abuse, mind-games and manipulation or they wouldn't hide it from everyone, it has become their way of getting through life and is ultimately deep-rooted in their subconscious - it's pathological. They must control their victim in order to continue to uphold their false self to everyone else around them.

However, narcissists ultimately still know the difference between right and wrong and good and evil but deep down inside they just simply don't care - protecting their true (and self-denied) emotions is essential.

A covert narcissist may make it clear to the person closest to them that they understand they have a problem but to the outside world them project that problem onto someone else. They simply don't care that they have a problem and that they are not willing to do anything about it even if that means losing the people closest to them in their life. Again, this is usually an intermittent behaviour. Narcissists have no empathy but seem to go through intermittent (but rare) phases of self-reflection and self-acknowledgement - these phases are also short-lived.

Covert narcissists can be extremely charasmatic if a in party setting, though they often use occasional shock tactics whilst any further promiscuity is kept under cover - they pretend that they were too drunk to know what they were doing and were not in control and then blame their behavior on the alcohol. They make further arrangements in private and keep their sexual endeavors and 'love' affairs secret in order to uphold their angelic false self-image.

A covert narcissist attempts to tie their primary source of narcissistic supply (their partner) down early on in a relationship. They ultimately suck up all the finances within the relationship and cut off their partner's contact with family and friends. They manipulate them into a situation whereby they don't have the resources to leave the relationship or have any control over their situation before then going on to wear down their partner's sense of self-identity - there can be very serious health consequences for the victim.

Narcissistic ideology hines clearly through such a relationship to the narcissist's partner, they are usually the only person that recognises the problem (eventually) though they are left with no escape route - when attempting to seek help, family and friends accuse them of twisting around everything that the covert narcissist has already told them back on to them in the process of ostracising their partner - it's a double-blind consisting of nothing more than projection and reflection.

Covert narcissists attempt to make their partner believe that they have mental health issues and that they are insane, they will misbehave and tell their partner it was all in their head they imagined it, it wasn't real. Show them that you are not willing to be manipulated and they will discard you as though you mean nothing. Of course, this is what everyone around them already believes, the narcissist has already built their army of support forcing the victim to repeatedly keep questioning their own sanity.

Victims of long-term covert narcissistic abuse can experience severe bad health symptoms such as post-traumatic stress disorder - they experience nightmares and flashbacks whilst their mind is subconsciously piecing the parts of the puzzle together. This is the brain's way of healing itself and, in extreme cases, it can be decades before this realisation happens.

When this happens the victim may begin to figure out just what has been happening for all the years (or decades), though they usually still have to suffer the consequences of the abuse alone - their friends and family still believe it's them that's the problem, their life may have fallen apart and they have probably been left devastated and as feeling as though their soul has been worn down to it's very core.

In extreme cases the victim may have even been left with physical health symptoms such as an anxiety disorder. When a narcissist can see that their victim is tired, worn down and in a weak vulnerable state then they know the victim is exactly where they want them, it offers a chance for more emotional and mental abuse to be perpetrated and the narcissist will inevitably kick their victim while they're down.

Narcissistic abuse feels cruel, cold, calculated and extremely twisted for the victim. Be wise to it. Anxiety and depression caused by narcissistic abuse is because you are not allowing your body to fight back. It is basic animal instinct to fight back. It is a primitive instinct instilled by nature. By not taking a stand and fighting back you repress all those feelings causing anxiety and depression within. Narcissists will try and instil as much fear within you so you won't fight back. They will say 'it's all in your head', 'your crazy' or even try and tell you that should you fight back you are the one with the problem and being abusive. Fighting back is the strongest and most healthiest thing you can do and that anxiety and depression will dissapear. Fight back. Assert yourself. Set boundaries. Either stay and fight back or fight back by leaving. The decision is yours. Remember your freedom of will. You are stronger than what you think you are. All you need is to believe in yourself. You will be OK.

Freedom of Will

There comes a time on our personal, spiritual journey when it is time to evaluate whether we are truly living in reality or illusion. When our actions are mostly being motivated by thoughts relating to external circumstances and the subsequent emotions they create in us, we are not living our reality. We find ourselves being drawn into negative relationships and unpleasant situations in many areas of our lives because we are under the illusion that we have no control of what happens to us. 

We forget that there is another aspect of ourselves that is very, very important. This is our 'will'. We have been given a soul, which consists of our mind, will and emotions.  

Our will is a gift. We have been instilled a free will to make choices and learn and grow. We are not robots programmed to someone else's idea of what we should be or do but we act like we are when we give in to the world around us. 

For a person to have a strong will and sense of self is an indication of a healthy personality. When the illusions we live under are removed, the true mind is revealed. It has always been there but covered over by the lies and untruths we lived our lives by. Using our will is what brings our mind and emotions into proper use and establishes our renewed mind. 

We 'set our will' according to what we believe and we make a stand, no matter what comes against it. It must be a firm resolve with strong assertive resolution or we will waver when opposition comes. Connect that with what you know in your heart and your intuition and you have power in your choices and decisions that extend beyond the physical realm and will bring you victory. 

We should guard our 'will' carefully from control by any other human being. It is so personally ours, it is what brings everything into our lives. Without us setting our will to things, they won't happen. Even if someone is controlling us, we still have set our 'will' to let them. If bad things are happening to us, somehow we have let our will go to let those things take place. 

Just thinking about something won't bring it to pass unless we accept it, even illness comes to us that way. Someone visits us who has a cold and we just know they breathed their germs on us and we will to let that cold come in when we think, "I feel tired and my throat is scratchy now. I know I'm getting their cold." 

No one can touch you in any area of our lives unless you let them. We can feel guilty about something untrue said about us and we will to let guilty feelings come in. We can feel bad about what someone says and will to let in depression or feelings of rejection. It is our will that always establishes what happens or doesn't happen, even when this happens in our subconscious and we aren't aware. This is because at some point in our lives we have given ground in that area and we never took it back. 

Never surrender your will to anyone, ever - not to parents, not to friends, not to husband, not to wife, not to children, not to boss, nor to lover.  They should both respect and honor your will. You will freely be who you are, truly be able to enjoy life to the fullest and be natural and real together. This is where trust can grow and love can develop because you are living in reality. Anything else is illusion.

And remember - The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If someone can control the meaning of their words, they can control the people who must use those words. Recognise that - don't get sucked in to their illusion.

Set Yourself Standards

1. Know yourself, your dignity. This is what one person said, "If you want a somone to respect you, then you must show them that you respect yourself and that you recognize your dignity."

• Who are you?
• How do you like to be treated?
• What's important to you?
• Why is it important to you that another person treats you with respect? Every woman needs to set realistic standards. Write a list of what you want from the other person in regards to respect and stick to them. 

2. Know your likes and dislikes. What do you like/dislike in other people? Write a list. 

3. Stop him at that moment you catch him disrespecting you. If  someone disrespects you, then you have every right to put your foot down and tell them to stop. If a man respects you, he won't do it again and keep that in mind, but if he doesn't respect you, he'll do it over and over. If you're in a relationship and he's disrespecting you repeatedly, leave him. You can't change a guy, the only thing you can do is leave him. You're not changing him by staying in a relationship, you're changing him when you leave. If he says one thing to your face and a different behind your back, leave. He should be honest and what he speaks should be coherent with to what he speaks with everyone.

5. Don't set a guy to be your #1.Guys can never make you fully happy. Your guy should be someone you can share something with,not someone /something to fill you up. Be busy with life, get involved in your community, education, volunteer, and help others. Don't try and save him. Get some you time.Guys who love you will wait for you, accept you as you are and respect your wishes. Don't fall for that guy that says all the sweet things, but verbally abuses you behind your back. Look at his actions, don't listen to his words. I had to listen to 'women's groups cause divorces' for the past 7 years. Hence I started this blog.

6. Choose someone who's morally good and wants the best for you. Don't go looking around for bad guys, chances are many of them are verbally, physically abusive, involved in some bad addictions, cheaters, arrogant,dishonest, and disrespectful. If someone loves you they want the best for you. They will support you. They will stand up for you. They will want to see you grow. They won't say snide remarks to put you down. They won't tell you to go watch a You Tube video when you want to get some further education on a particular subject and feel the need to take a course. Have you found yourself constantly standing up and supporting someone only to find they don't do the same for you? Leave. You will most probably get - she never loved me for who I was. The truth his he never loved you for who you were. My husband told me I thought I was a paragon of virtue. His friends called me a goody goody. Er, no, I don't think I'm a paragon of virtue and er no I don't thnk I'm a goody goody. I'm just me and standing up for what I believe in.I'll stand up for the waiter that is serving 20 tables at once and getting lambbasted by someone if they are still waiting for their wine or complaining that they are still waiting for their food. I'll stand up to my verbally abusive narcisstic sisters and stand up to my father who used them as his flying monkeys so he could destroy my mother. I will stand up to my husband's best mate and let him know I will not tolerate someone who says one thing to my face and then maligns and gossips about me behind my back. I will stand up to the person who feels they have to put me down to put themselves up. I will stand up for myself and what I believe in. And I will stand up for those that are treated inferior just because they come from a different class, race or background or have had their own issues. That's not being selfish. That is not being narcisstic. That's not being a martyr or thinking you are a paragon of virtue. That's not hyping yourseld out to be something your not.  That's just being you - plain and simple - defining your boundries and your self-worth and sticking up for the people when someone else puts them down.

7. Don't think: "If I'll just sleep with him, I'll get his love." What ends up happening, the guy uses you and then leaves, and you'll be hurt more than before. You can't force a guy to love you by giving him your body. He may like your body, but not you. Do you want someone to love your boobs, but not your personality, likes and dislikes. No girl likes to be treated like an object. You're not a mere body - you have a soul, heart, and mind. You truly want to be loved as a complete human being. Wait for the right person to love you wholly as you are.  Men are a weird species. They think with their pole and two cup hooks. Sex to them is a priority to, as I quote from one discussion with the best mate of my husband, porn is a neccessity to let off steam when they can't get it. Oh brother. Yada yada ya and all that whoo ha. So that gives them a free card to turn to big whooping boobies and shaved fannies on the internet. It gives them the right to go photographing woman's bottoms. NO. If he loves you, he won't go sticking his eyeballs somewhere else. End of. The prick of a best friend said I was an idiot and not living in reality. No mate. Reality is this. I deserve better. I don't go round intentionally eyeballing or photographiing men's crotches if I love someone.  I was the one who got blamed for my husband photographing woman's bottoms because I stood up for myself and said, No - I'm not going to stand up with your shit for any longer. And I took that blame on for a long period until I realised I was being used as a scapegoat and if I didn't stick up for myself I would allow him to carry on using me as his scapegoat.


8. Don't waste time with someone who can't love you for who you are. Move on. You deserve better.  Love yourself. Love the world. But don't keep loving someone who treats you like a crock of shit. Doing the dishes or things, bringing you coffee doesn't count. They are purely cosmetic. If he loves you, he will stand up for you. Don't keep standing up for someone when they can't do the same for you. I spent the last four months standing up for somone and then shit hit me in the face when I realised he never did the same for me. He just used me as his scapegoat. End of. He can wash his own dishes. He can go wank off somewhere else. I'm not a scapegoat. I deserve better. Yup, I may hit rock bottom, but at least I have me. That's all that matters. Because I know that when I fall off that bike and land face first in the snow, I can say to myself, you just get back up on that bike and start peddling again. There will be people that want me to fall and never get back up again. There will be no tears. You just pick yourself up woman, stick that head back on your shoulders and tell them Mama don't take no shit. They can stick that up their pipe of shame and smoke it. They don't matter. You have the ability to sort yourself out woman if you believe in yourself. And looking at the 37 years of my life, by heck. I have emotionally been through alot and by heck made it to the end of the tunnel.  There is always light. You just have to believe in yourself to find it. Don't let anyone put you down think you are incapable of finding that light without them.

9. Admit you pick your nose and eat it. Everyone does - they are just to scared to admit it.

Don't be a Scapegoat

Don’t be a scapegoat. Don’t carry the can for something you didn’t do, but if you did do something wrong then it’s up to you to be responsible and accept it. Certainly don’t accept blame for something you didn’t do. Accusations are unjust. It’s up to you to make sure they’re not.

If more than one person is responsible for something that has happened and you’re the only one being made the scapegoat, then say so. We must use what we know to let others know we’re not the only one at fault. Always outline your part in the problem. It’s up to others to come forward.

Build your self-confidence so that you stand up for yourself. If you’re more assertive you’re more likely to say something when the finger is pointed at you. When we lack self-confidence we tend to run with what the other person is telling us, then feel bad when we can’t go back in to correct things.
Unfortunately when anyone uses a scapegoat they may have distorted views on their reality. No one without a distorted view will seek to use someone else in order to justify themselves and/or their behaviour. That person may also continue to direct the problem at that person and will feel justified in the process.

Once you say that a behavior is unacceptable, either they need to stop or you need to leave. A good way to continue being an easy target is to sit there and take it, even though you’ve said the words. Words need action, and if they continue to bully you or put you down, feel free to get up and leave the room until  they realize they need to treat you with respect. Some people may never get the message. In this respect, you need to distance yourself from the bully because they are toxic to your mental (and even physical) health. By distancing yourself, you also show that you are not willing to back down and you will not be used as an easy target. They may use this against you saying you are giving them the silent treatment, etc. Don't back down. If you allow them to continue to treat you in such a way, they will.

Scapegoat? It is up to you to decide whether you wish to keep chewing the cud, or spit it out, get those horns aligned, push off the ground, charge head first and boot them out.

Considerations

There are some things to consider in order to avoid inviting and/or allowing family, friends and co-workers to abuse you. One thing I learned when I began recovering from narcissistic relationships is that I needed to stop certain behaviors that invited abuse in the first place. There were things I was saying and doing, often subconsciously, that attracted the negative feelings of others and left me wide open to disdain and disrespect.

It led to more than a few people abusing me. I was pretty angry about it, because I knew that I was a good person and did not deserve that treatment — especially since I was having so many challenges.
There are good people out there with unresolved issues and there are just plain toxic ones that you should avoid at all costs. It has been a life experience. But I have come to see there is light on the other side and you learn from your own experiences. Here's how to recognise between the two:

1.  Notice what is their usual m.o. is. If all they can do is put you down all the time, try and control you, use you as a utility or try and manipulate you because they want something. Get out.

2.  Are they a loyal, circumspect (discretionary) type of person? If so, they’re a keeper.

3.  Are they overly controlling? Do they try and instill fear in you? Do they always have to say something to put you down so they can put themselves up? Do they lie? Do they gaslight? Do they profess all their wonderful plans and dreams for the both of you for the future but nothing ever comes of it? Do they say one thing to your face and another behind your back?  Do you allow all of this behavior while being very uncomfortable and knowing full well that it is wrong? These are major red flags. It only gets worse with time.

4.  Don’t engage in too much self-disclosure, even with close friends. When people know your private business, especially the negative stuff, they often judge you and start thinking of you differently and treating you differently. Some even start thinking you’re a jinx and will avoid you and even gossip about you.

5.  Don’t be a downer, and don’t complain about stuff too much: politics, societal deterioration, the weather… whatever!

6.  Don’t reveal too much about your personal challenges. Do so, if you must, by talking about it generally or vaguely, and always with a rational tone and a positive end note.

7.  Don’t be too self-deprecating, except in a humorous way that is silly or preposterous. If we denigrate ourselves, we are only revealing our low self-esteem, and giving them permission to disrespect us.

8.  Don’t talk about your fears too intensely. Speak generally and rationally. 

9.  Don’t disclose private details about relationships, or financial and legal details. When we’re having trouble, we’re tempted to confide in people. Don’t.

10.  Don’t trust people with your secrets. Like them, engage with them, but don’t expect people – even your best friends – to keep secrets. They can’t. Secrets are always juicy. It’s human nature to feel compelled to share something juicy. People will use secrets against you more often than you believe. You’re setting yourself up for betrayal.

11.  Don’t trust people too much. Don’t engage in naive trust. Don’t kid yourself that people will take the high road. These days, you never know what you’ll get. Practice healthy discretion, Don’t get too attached too quickly or easily. Look and listen for the right cues. Make good choices.

12.  Don’t use friendships or romantic partners for therapy. Work on your difficult challenges with a professionally trained counsellor.

13. Never allow yourself to be a victim. Stick that head back on your shoulders and show them - Mama don't take no shit.

If there is one thing I have learned - you don't have to trust anyone. You can choose who you want to trust - that choice is up to yourself, not anyone else. Listen to your gut, it is there for a reason.

The Scapegoat

In a family where one of the parents has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the children in the family are frequently pitted against the other. The NPD parent will designate one of the children as the scapegoat. The role of the scapegoat may rotate but it’s usually one particular child that is targeted. This child is usually the more sensitive child, the one who doesn’t play the game and flatter the narcissist, the truth teller. When the NPD parent injures this child using emotional manipulation and encouraging the others in the family to 'mob' (bullying by group), the NPD parent gets a whiff of narcissistic supply. They get off on control and their ability to make someone else feel inferior, to sabotage and limit their success. The goal of the NPD parent is to make the scapegoat bend to ther will by using ostracism, mockery, malicious gossip and alienation.

The golden child, on the other hand, can do no wrong. No matter how much the kid screws up, the NPD parent will make excuses. It’s not their fault. The problem started before they came along.  They need time to mature.  They will never suffer the consequences of their behavior nor will there be any criticism of their limitations. Indeed, any minor accomplishment is made to look magnificent.


And then there are the flying monkeys - these are the siblings, and others, who act as the hit men for the NPD parent. They are sent on missions to obtain information from the scapegoat that gets reported back to the NPD parent. The parent then uses that information to spread rumors, gossip and malicious mockery through his or her own actions or the actions of the flying monkeys. The gossip may contain a hint of truth but this is usually blown out of proportion. The more voices that propagate the gossip, the greater the negative effect on the scapegoat.

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  This scenario does not juat happen in families but in relationships too. For example, a narcissistic husband will use his wife as a scapegoat if she fights back and his friends as the flying monkeys to save himself.A narcissistic co-worker will treat another co-worker as a scapegoat and other co-workers as their flying monkeys.

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower. In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a victim role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

So how do you break free from being a scapegoat?

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s a lie that was created to prevent members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.

2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself. 

3. Recognise that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.

4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing. 

5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.

6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child. 

7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologise or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable. 

8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. Tell them that the way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again. Stand up for yourself. Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself. Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself. 

9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you. You may experience feelings of grief. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone. 

10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong. 

11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles. Find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.

 

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.

Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat 

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

How Scapegoating Impacts the Target

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

How To Break Free From Scapegoating

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.
   
   
2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.
   
   
3. Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.
   
   
4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing
   
   
5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.
   
   
6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
   
   
7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
   
   
8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.
   
   
9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.
   
   
10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.
    
    
11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.
    
    
12. Practice what you preach with others…  Break the cycle

- See more at: http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat#sthash.5PDX2qai.dpu

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.
Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat 
The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.
How Scapegoating Impacts the Target
Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.
How To Break Free From Scapegoating

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.
   
   
2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.
   
   
3. Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.
   
   
4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing
   
   
5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.
   
   
6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
   
   
7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
   
   
8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.
   
   
9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.
   
   
10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.
    
    
11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.
    
    
12. Practice what you preach with others…  Break the cycle

- See more at: http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat#sthash.5PDX2qai.dpuf

Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Trust your gut. When you feel something is odd - it ussually is. When someone then tries to say things to you like:

You're too sensitive
You're crazy
You're imagining things
I never said that
It's your fear talking
You’re crazy – that never happened.
 Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.
It’s all in your head.
 You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.
I don’t know what you’re talking about
You’re just making stuff up.
 
 If you find yourself in a scenario where information is constantly twisted or spun, selectively ommitted or false information presented to you to doubt your own memory, perception or sanity - you've been gaslighted.

Gradually over time, you will start to believe you are loosing it and going crazy. You will start to doubt your gut and everything about yourself, your thoughts, opinions, ideas and ideals. Resist it. Someone is trying to get you to live in a reality they want to define for you so you become completely dependent on them.  

Each day write a diary. Write everything down. So when you start to doubt yourself, go back. And don't ever stop listening to that gut - it is there for a reason.

Never allow yourself to be completely dependent on someone. No is a complete sentence. If they keep pushing, they are pushing for a reason. Never let anyone tell you being independent is wrong. To find yourself, you must think for yourself. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.

Forgiveness

Throughout life there is generally pain and suffering for a lot of people for awhile, but even that is a good thing. After awhile, when you have to face reality day after day, have to face the fact that not everyone is a good person who intends to do good and tries to do good, that evil exists and it manifests most often in our world via pathological deviants, that they cannot be fixed, well, you become 'inoculated' and gain a different perspective. Not only that, but you realise that none of the rules of human interactions you always believed in even apply. You don't forgive them, you don't forget, and that's not a bad thing.

There may be times when you have withheld forgiveness from certain people in your life and as a consequence experienced alot of accusations - normally from the people themselves or their sympathisers. They accuse you of 'refusing to forget the past', 'holding a grudge', 'being resentful', or  'not letting go' or 'not living in reality'. And therefore it's all your fault because you can't forgive and forget and let bygones be bygones. What an evil, unforgiving, unspiritual, vicious, vindictive person you are.

Some people have a very limited range of emotions. While being able to fake having a wider range of emotions, they really operate on an emotional level of an animal with the two primary motivating emotions of fear and anger, of which they will try and impose on you. They project their own emotional state or reactions to you. Which is why, when you calmly and firmly withhold absolution for their misdeeds and stand up for yourself, they immediately assume a negative.

Is it true? Is it inevitable that your decision to wait for someone to show true signs of confession, contrition, restitution and a firm resolve to not repeat the offence can only mean that you are a resentful, grudge-filled, vengeful, nasty person? Is it possible to withhold a gift of forgiveness while simultaneously living your own life with productiveness, happiness, and a clear conscience without bitterness?

The person that hurt you and their sympathesisers view is that you can't be a spiritual person with a clean conscience and have a focus on the good things in life whilst withholding forgiveness. They think it is 'withholding forgiveness'. It isn't. There's really nothing to forgive. If a tornado destroys your house, do you feel that you need to forgive it?  Of course not. It does what it does because it is what it is and you are there. 

There are times when you have to depersonalise the accusations of someone that has hurt you when you come to understand that the person that has hurt you is not truth-based. An emotionally healthy person is only interested in truth-based reality, they don't take someone who has lied to them or hurt them at their word. Whe you start being accused of withholding forgiveness and being a ball of negative energy with some much hate in your heart, don't take it to heart. Don't let them get into your head. It has taken me the last five years to realise this - most especially the last three months - and I now feel alot calmer for it.

When a hurricane threatens, stay out of the way. Hammer the boards over your windows and take cover to protect yourself. When the hurricane comes knocking you don't run up and open the door to it. You don't invite the hurricane to dinner. You don't throw your kids out on the front porch to appease the hurricane in order to save yourself. Or, like the natives of certain tribes, throw your virgins into the volcano to stave off its rage and rampage. No, you simply do all you can to protect yourself and stay out of the path of a force of nature. You simply have to come to recognise the truth that certain people that will lie to you or hurt you time and time again - they are destructive forces and you can never change them. You do not try to reason with a force of nature. You don't try to placate it. You don't waste time hoping the force of nature will grow a heart. You get out of its way and stay out of its way. Detach yourself. That is all you can do. 

Let us say for a moment that you've misjudged someone that has lied or hurt you. If you have misjudged them, your withdrawing doesn't prevent them from proving they are good people. Your withdrawal doesn't hurt someone in an irreparable way. Withdrawing is the kindest and least damaging of any other action you can take. The other person, if misjudged by you, will lead their lives in such a way that will prove they are something other than what you thought they were.

If you happen to be wrong, your withdrawal is not going to damage the other person's life. If you didn't misjudge, you've taken an action that has protected your self without taking retaliatory actions against the other party. There are some people that would like to pretend your withdrawal is retaliatory, but that is a lie. It is the kindest, gentlest way of dealing with someone's toxicity. It acknowledges that you are not willing to be hurt or lied to anymore, and that you've abdicated the idea that the their salvation somehow is dependent on you. While they characterise you getting on with your own life as cruel, or 'ignoring them' or 'giving them the silent treatment' -  the opposite is true. It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for them. They are deprived of using you and you are not responsible for increasing their evil by letting them hone it on you.

Refusing to forget the past is thrown in your face like it is a bad thing, but if you don't have any recollection of the terrible damage a tidal wave can do, then you won't know enough to get off the beach when the water draws back. Remembering the past is essential for survival. It is not a fault of character. An operational memory is what helps keep us safe. Don't let someone shame you with that.

If someone hurts you or lies to you they should be asking you for your forgiveness. Instead, they demand you to forget. There is a very large difference between the two. They don't want forgiveness, they want us to wipe our memories into blanks. Why? Because they want carte blanche.

Refuse to let the bad guys make the rules for your life. They just want to make all the rules. Their demands always boil down to the same thing - that you continue on as before and allow them the right to hurt you and lie to you as they see fit. Well, for me, I have a good enough memory, and enough sense, to know that I have been dealing with a force of nature. My desire for it to be different won't change it. When the blizzard threatens, I'm locking the doors and not stepping a toe outdoors until it has moved on. I won't let them impose fear on me anymore. I won't allow them to lie to me anymore. I won't let that blizzard get into my head. Instead I'll be quietly and contentedly getting on with my life. And no, this isn't my heart being full of hate. I'm just very happily and realistically leading my life out of the path of the storm.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel a like horrid ogre for not forgiving them immediately and wanting a carte blanche. Life doesn't work like that. When they say - forgive me - OK? Don't say OK. Because you are confirming that it is at a time when it isn't and allowing them to continue as they have done before. Forgiveness takes time as does trust. In time you may forgive, but only when you see the proper time to forgive that feels right for yourself. But that time is up to you. It is up to you not them. And that is not being selfish. That time is needed so you can allow yourself to mend the broken that has been caused. 

You may forgive but you will never forget. No one can make you forget. To forget would not be living in reality.

Narcissistic Apologies

When someone hurts you, you hope for a statement of regret.  You don’t want an explanation of the philosophy that led to the offence. You don’t want justification for the action or words. You want the person to be sorry.

So think about that. What you want is for the person to understand how the action hurt you and to feel some of your pain. What you want is for the person to regret his/her actions and contribute to your healing. What you want is empathy.

The inability to apologise is a defining characteristic of the narcissist. I realise that many people learned narcissistic ways to apologise. Children are taught how to get out of trouble, not how to apologise with sincerity.  Many, if not most, adults present poor apologies when they want to express their regret and many try to pass the blame on the victim.  But most can be taught how to apologise in a way that does promote healing and peace.

Not the narcissist. Think about it.  If you were to teach someone how to apologise, what would you say?  You would probably say something like this:

“How would you feel if someone had done that to you?”  

My mother always said to me don't to you others what you wouldn't want others to do.

A narcissiscist would be very upset if someone did to them what they did to you.  Yet, they cannot believe that you could feel the same way—or—they simply don’t care that you feel the same way. Why not?  Because to acknowledge your feelings is to acknowledge you as a person.
Here’s an idea that came out of a recent conversation with a friend: ask your narcissist to explain what he thinks you felt when he did what he did. Ask him how a person who claims to love someone could do something like that to the one he loves.  Don’t ask what he thinks you should feel.  Don’t ask him what he thinks you should do now.  A narcissicist will always tell you to forgive and forget. He won't tell you to press for an understanding, which is what is required. For in order to forgive both parties require an understanding of what happened in order to resolve it in the first instance.

If you are wondering whether your painful person is a narcissist, this might be a helpful test. Maybe you have never heard a real apology.  Maybe you grew up in a home where people never apologised or did very poorly.  Here’s what an apology should sound like:

“I am sorry that I hurt you.  My words were cruel and I have no intention of defending them.  They were wrong. I was wrong. I apologise.”

Notice a couple of things:-

(1) There is no request for forgiveness.  Requesting forgiveness puts a burden on the victim, the one who was hurt. If an offender is truly sorry, he/she does not want to put any further burden on the one who was hurt. I understand that this sounds like a very Christian thing to do, but it is neither necessary nor kind.  If the one who was hurt wants to forgive, that’s fine.  But it takes time. But no push.

(2) There is no blame on anyone or anything else. There is no claim that the words were accidental or misunderstood. None of these things would mitigate the pain that was felt.  Nor is it simply an apology for hurting. It is an apology for being unkind and causing pain.

If the relationship calls for it, an expression of love is appropriate—especially if that expression speaks to the value of the one who was hurt.

“You are my friend and you are important to me.  It grieves me that I hurt you.”

“I love you and it hurts me that I hurt you.”

If someone is sincere in their apology they should understand how the action or words caused pain and if the offender empathises with your pain.

A narcissist cannot say these things from the heart because he/she has no empathy, no way to understand or value your feelings.

Here are a couple of narcissistic apologies:

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you were hurt.

TRUE APOLOGY: I’m sorry I hurt you.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you thought you heard that.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I said that.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you misunderstood..

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused a misunderstanding..

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you feel that way.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused you pain.

Other Narcissistic apologies include:

I’m sorry that happened.

I didn’t do that.  I’m sorry you think I did.

I apologise for trying.

I apologise for caring.

I apologise for being human.

I apologise for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Notice that the first half of the sentence we have an apology. In the second half of the sentence we have a reason not to take responsiblity for their actions.