Narcissistic Apologies

When someone hurts you, you hope for a statement of regret.  You don’t want an explanation of the philosophy that led to the offence. You don’t want justification for the action or words. You want the person to be sorry.

So think about that. What you want is for the person to understand how the action hurt you and to feel some of your pain. What you want is for the person to regret his/her actions and contribute to your healing. What you want is empathy.

The inability to apologise is a defining characteristic of the narcissist. I realise that many people learned narcissistic ways to apologise. Children are taught how to get out of trouble, not how to apologise with sincerity.  Many, if not most, adults present poor apologies when they want to express their regret and many try to pass the blame on the victim.  But most can be taught how to apologise in a way that does promote healing and peace.

Not the narcissist. Think about it.  If you were to teach someone how to apologise, what would you say?  You would probably say something like this:

“How would you feel if someone had done that to you?”  

My mother always said to me don't to you others what you wouldn't want others to do.

A narcissiscist would be very upset if someone did to them what they did to you.  Yet, they cannot believe that you could feel the same way—or—they simply don’t care that you feel the same way. Why not?  Because to acknowledge your feelings is to acknowledge you as a person.
Here’s an idea that came out of a recent conversation with a friend: ask your narcissist to explain what he thinks you felt when he did what he did. Ask him how a person who claims to love someone could do something like that to the one he loves.  Don’t ask what he thinks you should feel.  Don’t ask him what he thinks you should do now.  A narcissicist will always tell you to forgive and forget. He won't tell you to press for an understanding, which is what is required. For in order to forgive both parties require an understanding of what happened in order to resolve it in the first instance.

If you are wondering whether your painful person is a narcissist, this might be a helpful test. Maybe you have never heard a real apology.  Maybe you grew up in a home where people never apologised or did very poorly.  Here’s what an apology should sound like:

“I am sorry that I hurt you.  My words were cruel and I have no intention of defending them.  They were wrong. I was wrong. I apologise.”

Notice a couple of things:-

(1) There is no request for forgiveness.  Requesting forgiveness puts a burden on the victim, the one who was hurt. If an offender is truly sorry, he/she does not want to put any further burden on the one who was hurt. I understand that this sounds like a very Christian thing to do, but it is neither necessary nor kind.  If the one who was hurt wants to forgive, that’s fine.  But it takes time. But no push.

(2) There is no blame on anyone or anything else. There is no claim that the words were accidental or misunderstood. None of these things would mitigate the pain that was felt.  Nor is it simply an apology for hurting. It is an apology for being unkind and causing pain.

If the relationship calls for it, an expression of love is appropriate—especially if that expression speaks to the value of the one who was hurt.

“You are my friend and you are important to me.  It grieves me that I hurt you.”

“I love you and it hurts me that I hurt you.”

If someone is sincere in their apology they should understand how the action or words caused pain and if the offender empathises with your pain.

A narcissist cannot say these things from the heart because he/she has no empathy, no way to understand or value your feelings.

Here are a couple of narcissistic apologies:

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you were hurt.

TRUE APOLOGY: I’m sorry I hurt you.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you thought you heard that.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I said that.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you misunderstood..

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused a misunderstanding..

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you feel that way.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused you pain.

Other Narcissistic apologies include:

I’m sorry that happened.

I didn’t do that.  I’m sorry you think I did.

I apologise for trying.

I apologise for caring.

I apologise for being human.

I apologise for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Notice that the first half of the sentence we have an apology. In the second half of the sentence we have a reason not to take responsiblity for their actions.