Considerations

There are some things to consider in order to avoid inviting and/or allowing family, friends and co-workers to abuse you. One thing I learned when I began recovering from narcissistic relationships is that I needed to stop certain behaviors that invited abuse in the first place. There were things I was saying and doing, often subconsciously, that attracted the negative feelings of others and left me wide open to disdain and disrespect.

It led to more than a few people abusing me. I was pretty angry about it, because I knew that I was a good person and did not deserve that treatment — especially since I was having so many challenges.
There are good people out there with unresolved issues and there are just plain toxic ones that you should avoid at all costs. It has been a life experience. But I have come to see there is light on the other side and you learn from your own experiences. Here's how to recognise between the two:

1.  Notice what is their usual m.o. is. If all they can do is put you down all the time, try and control you, use you as a utility or try and manipulate you because they want something. Get out.

2.  Are they a loyal, circumspect (discretionary) type of person? If so, they’re a keeper.

3.  Are they overly controlling? Do they try and instill fear in you? Do they always have to say something to put you down so they can put themselves up? Do they lie? Do they gaslight? Do they profess all their wonderful plans and dreams for the both of you for the future but nothing ever comes of it? Do they say one thing to your face and another behind your back?  Do you allow all of this behavior while being very uncomfortable and knowing full well that it is wrong? These are major red flags. It only gets worse with time.

4.  Don’t engage in too much self-disclosure, even with close friends. When people know your private business, especially the negative stuff, they often judge you and start thinking of you differently and treating you differently. Some even start thinking you’re a jinx and will avoid you and even gossip about you.

5.  Don’t be a downer, and don’t complain about stuff too much: politics, societal deterioration, the weather… whatever!

6.  Don’t reveal too much about your personal challenges. Do so, if you must, by talking about it generally or vaguely, and always with a rational tone and a positive end note.

7.  Don’t be too self-deprecating, except in a humorous way that is silly or preposterous. If we denigrate ourselves, we are only revealing our low self-esteem, and giving them permission to disrespect us.

8.  Don’t talk about your fears too intensely. Speak generally and rationally. 

9.  Don’t disclose private details about relationships, or financial and legal details. When we’re having trouble, we’re tempted to confide in people. Don’t.

10.  Don’t trust people with your secrets. Like them, engage with them, but don’t expect people – even your best friends – to keep secrets. They can’t. Secrets are always juicy. It’s human nature to feel compelled to share something juicy. People will use secrets against you more often than you believe. You’re setting yourself up for betrayal.

11.  Don’t trust people too much. Don’t engage in naive trust. Don’t kid yourself that people will take the high road. These days, you never know what you’ll get. Practice healthy discretion, Don’t get too attached too quickly or easily. Look and listen for the right cues. Make good choices.

12.  Don’t use friendships or romantic partners for therapy. Work on your difficult challenges with a professionally trained counsellor.

13. Never allow yourself to be a victim. Stick that head back on your shoulders and show them - Mama don't take no shit.

If there is one thing I have learned - you don't have to trust anyone. You can choose who you want to trust - that choice is up to yourself, not anyone else. Listen to your gut, it is there for a reason.