A WIFE'S BASIC NEEDS IN MARRIAGE

I feel compelled to write a post specifically for men.

Dear Men,

It astounds me that a man always thinks with his who-haa rather than his brain. When one gets married, a husband promises to love, cherish and respect.  A wife promises that as well.  For those that do plan to get married, it is essential to remember the following about your wife:

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”
Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are:

(1) to be cherished;
(2) to be known and;
(3) to be respected.

(1) YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO BE CHERISHED

A wife needs to know that she is cherished.  No matter how many I love you's or flowers you buy, it doesn't matter because what she needs to know, is that SHE IS NUMERO UNO IN YOUR LIFE. Shall I say that again?

YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO KNOW AND FEEL THAT SHE IS NUMERO UNO IN YOUR LIFE

You are now a team - she is half of you. Not your sister. Not your best friend. Not your Dad. Not your lighting rig. Not your goddamn rotavator. Not your 20 year plan for the vege patch.  Not the 21 year old porn goddess with the inflatable boobies and g-string on the internet. If you have not made her your No. 1 then you shouldn't of got married - full bloody stop.

When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. Just by saying, 'You are my everything', doesn't bloody count. It is your ACTIONS that count NOT YOUR WORDS. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence. She feels secure in her position of importance.

Husbands, you need to stick up for your wives. Not say, 'You are doing a great job doing that yourself'. For those wives that constantly do stick up for themselves to their husbands family, friends and acquaintances, it becomes exhausting.  The wife starts to feel that the husband doesn't believe in her. She doesn't feel cherished.  She doesn't feel respected. She has not married your overbearing, passive aggressive sister.  She has not married your father who keeps telling her she should be doing this and doing that.  She has married YOU so grow some balls and stand up for the god damn woman for once. You want to keep sitting on that god damn fence playing Mister Nice Guy to everyone?  Afraid of falling in the mud? Afraid of getting feet dirty?  Well be afraid.  If you keep being afraid to get off that bloody fence, you are going nowhere in life.  You will be stuck there either alone or with the other fools that haven't got the courage to get off the fence.  You won't get to that destination of a happy marriage which is on the other side of the field if you keep sitting there doing bugger all. You will be left behind.

(2) SHE NEEDS TO BE KNOWN

For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

(3) SHE NEEDS TO BE RESPECTED

Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. Don't make the decisions yourself - your marriage is a team - 50:50 take it or leave it.  Should you make the decisions yourself, regardless of what your wife thinks, you are QUICKLY TEARING DOWN A WOMAN'S SENSE OF SELF AND RUINING ANY POSSIBILITY OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE. You should be building your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things - not taking her self-esteem away. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.

(4) SHE NEEDS ROMANCE

Let me give you my scenario.  It was a tough year for me.  I got married, had to deal with my husband's overbearing domineering friends and sister who felt they knew better than me for what we wanted for our wedding.  They never listened. They all did what they wanted to do.  My soon to be in-laws were staying in our house where were got married.  Our bedroom was above my father-in-laws bedroom. We couldn't even consumate our marriage on the wedding night/morning because my father-in-law was downstairs.  We didn't go on a honeymoon, even though I had planned and booked out two weeks after the wedding from work. Why? Because my husband spent all his money on a lighting system that never worked and wasn't even budgeted for.  My father died.  Letters sent to my estranged mother were getting sent back to me REFUSED BY ADDRESSEE. I had my OCD sister-in-law telling me what we should be doing and the little jibes here and there.  I hadn't had a holiday for a year and a half by this point. I kept asking my husband to set  a date for a holiday but it never happened.  Come November, 5 months later, my head went BOOMPH.  I couldn't think.  Not the best when you are a self-employed creative.  I had to be able to think, get my brain working. I couldn't take a holiday because by that point I was struggling with bills and when you are self-employed, there is no sick leave - you have no option but to keep working to get those bills paid. I ended up suffering from panic attacks and chronic anxiety with a brain which was as worthless as a out-of-date Poundland voucher spun in the washing machine on full-speed.


My husband goes away one day and says to me, 'I may get you a surprise'. I thought the surprise would be something romantic - something to cheer me up. What did he get me? A vibrator. What did I do? I cried. At that moment, my self-esteem took a rock bottom and any confidence I had within myself was totally stripped away.

I found the gift OFFENSIVE. I became REALLY ANGRY. I chucked it in the bin. To me a gift is something that signifies how someone cares and listens to you. You don't give someone you love a vibrator when they are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 6 months later when the subject came up in a big fight, he twisted the whole story round and claimed I asked him to buy me a vibrator so he could make himself look like the good guy. I blew my fuse at that point and got so angry becase he was now trying to gaslight me and manipulate and construe things because he couldn't take responsibility for his own actions. Two months of marriage counselling and I took the rolling pin and smashed the photo first taken of us a year into our relationship. I whacked it so hard.  All the glass kept shattering in smaller and smaller pieces.  That was my heart. That was my soul. That was my self-esteem. That was my confidence. That was our marriage. A zillion pieces of fucking broken glass.

Not once has he told me to glam myself up because we are going out for dinner - just the two of us. The last time that happened was three years ago. Dinner is always at home.  I thought I would put some spice back in the marriage and buy some nice lingerie and make a romantic evening.  That lasted 5 times. I constantly put the effort of romance in and all he cared about was his fucking rotavator. He thinks romance is sticking his hands down my pants and giving my bum a squeeze. He thinks, I'll roll over at his beck and call every time he wants some action.  But there is no romance. How do I feel? Well I'll tell you how I feel.  Caught him looking at porn - inflatable boobies, teenage fannies - you name it, he had it.  At that point, I felt like a piece of shit. I felt like a piece of rotten meat.  I am now sleeping in the separate bedroom.  The thought of making love revolts me. Over the past 7 years I put so much effort into the relationship. Buying my husband surprise gifts. Holding a 40th birthday party for him. Holding surprise birthday parties for him.  Doing everything to make him feel special.  In the end, I've given up. I'm exhausted.  I now just feel fucking numb. 

A wife needs to be romanced. She wants to be wined and dined by her husband - take her out, MOST ESPECIALLY if she is working from home. Book a hotel room somewhere. YOUR WIFE WANTS TO FEEL SEXY. SHE WANTS TO LAUGH. SHE WANTS TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL. SHE WANT S TO FEEL SPECIAL. Wining and dining by your in-laws or with friends DOES NOT COUNT. I feel the need to pop a valium now if I have to see his sister so much so that I don't go to any family functions anymore; she's like a materialistic, rabid infested squirrel - quite bitter and lacks substance. Her other half complains his sticky toffee pudding is too sticky. They complain about fucking everything. Last dinner, I was informed that at my age I was at a huge rish of having a baby with Downs Syndrome.  I'm only 37 and quite frankly I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. I don't need valium - I need a tazer gun. I've had to listen to her partner complaining how he won't drink out of a glass that is handwashed because it will taste of fairy liquid. That the dishes need to be cleaned in the dishwasher to be squeeky clean and that he can't eat off a plate that has a dishwasher mark on it - this is Christmas Dinner. I've had to sit through dinners out where they complain that the wine is not good enough and send it back and order a more expensive bottle even though it is not them that is paying the meal. That their steak is never cooked to how they like it and they constantly send things back. That there is - god forbid a - one minute fruit fly buzzin about in a huge restaurant. Have they ever considered that perhaps that fly is buzzing around them and won't go because they are so full of shit? I'm surprised that there are not more buzzing around their heads. Should I ever have the 'pleasure' of seeing them face-to-face again, and they complain about something, I will be carrying a Pot Noodle in my bag and will prompty give it to them and tell them to eat that and if they don't like it write to Golden Wonder. They are just plain rude. They even asked how much money we got from our wedding. Who the fuck asks such a thing? We asked for trees! Even then people say 'Oh no, you can't have trees'. Perfect. So next time they come round I will say - oh no, you have to eat the skin off your potato because god forbid I won't be peeling your potatoes for you. And oh no, I will not stick in an extra flat sheet on the bed for you just because you have to have a flatsheet underneath a gooedown duvet. And hey, oh no, our house is not a hotel at your beck and call. And take your plants that you feel you have to have a say as to where we plant them in our own home and shove it up your pipe of shame and smoke it. Oh, and by the way, we won't be inviting your friends who we don't know to our wedding who then complain that they got black paint on their kilt because they lent against the garden fence or send a thank you card after attending the wedding that has a Jehovah's Witness flyer in it with the words - you will go to hell because you are not a Jehovah Witness with a child kneeling at a grave. What the fuck? I'm sorry - are we not allowed to have a Humanist wedding next to a pond?

Husbands, make a fucking effort. Suprise her.  Take her out and treat her YOURSELF. Buying flowers reduced at the supermarket to 20p does not count.Getting her to fork out for the meal - DOES NOT COUNT. Asking her to split the share of the meal 50:50 DOES NOT COUNT.

(5) SHE NEEDS TRUST AND HONESTY
Stable relationships are trusting relationships. You must have trust in relationships, especially your marriage. Where there is trust, there is love. YOU CANNOT HAVE TRUST FROM YOUR WIFE IF YOU DO NOT CHERISH AND RESPECT HER.

How can she trust you if you can't make her feel secure? How can she trust you if you manipulate her? How can she trust you if you don't honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights? How can she trust you if you constantly lie to her?  When it comes to deception, it takes very little to violate trust. Trust is a critical requirement for any relationship. We learn we can trust someone, and share our lives with them, because they do what they say they are going to do. We learn to trust someone because they say what they mean and mean what they say. They are trustworthy. Trust is the foundation that holds a marriage.

Honesty means that you tell the truth. You DO NOT LIE. You are ALWAYS  honest. Lie about anything or purposely leave things out and or purposely leave things out when discussing things or purposely make things vague and you will very quickly create very serious problems in your marriage. For instance, if you are not honest about where you go and with whom, your wife will start to think you are involved in something you shouldn’t be. Always be 100% up front with your wife.

Honesty does not stop there. An honest person is also honest with himself or herself. You have to be able to face the truth about your strengths and weaknesses. Being honest about your weaknesses requires a great deal of strength and character. It is never easy to admit that you have areas that need work.

Integrity is a key element of trust in a relationship. This means doing what you say you are going to do. Not construing things. Being clear, direct, open and honest. Part of integrity is dependability. Can your wife depend on you? If you commit to do something, do you follow through?

Trust in relationships should be MOTIVATED BY LOVE. You should want to be honest and trust worthy because you do not want to hurt your wife. If you are not honest you will break her trust. You don't love her.  No matter how many times you say you do, YOU DON'T. Stop saying it.  It's your actions not the words that count. Demonstrating your trust worthiness is an outward reflection of the love and commitment you feel towards your wife.

So when you promise to be faithful, then do not put yourself in a position where you may cheat - either emotionally, physically or visually.

If you lie to your wife, it's because you have something to hide. It's because you feel you can and you feel you can get away with it. Full stop. You lie to protect your interests and have little care about your wife's feelings. You generally believe you won’t get caught, and therefore continue to lie, digging yourself a bigger and bigger hole.  Your wife will eventually catch you out, set a firm boundary and eventually, most probably, if you keep lying, tell you to get the fuck out of her life. The first time, she might take you but the next time - your gone.   Your actions are both INTOLERABLE, SELFISH and DESTRUCTIVE.

DO NOT LIE.  It shows a deficit of conscience which allows yourself to justify your behavior and even manipulate the problem so that you, yourself , are somehow the victim and it's the wife that is the root of all problems.  Your wife will start to feel like she is going crazy with all your crazy making. Liars turn the tables on others, making themselves look good and others look bad. They resist being held accountable for their behavior. They take no responsibility for their actions. They gaslight and construe things.  To sum it up, if you lie to your wife and think you can constantly get away with it, you have just proved yourself to be a FUCKING ARSEHOLE and a WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.  Congratulations. Don't like being called a piece of shit? Don't like being called an arsehole? THEN DON'T LIE.

You don't deserve to be married if YOU LIE TO AND DECEIVE your wife. You shouldn't be married if YOU LIE TO AND DECEIVE your wife. Your wife will eventually blow her top off, scream at the top of her lungs and go tell you to fuck yourself.  Surprised? It's called Karma. Step on your wife and in the next life, you'll come back a cockroach and she'll come back with her Christian Loubiton 6 inch heels.  Squash. All you deserve is having the honour of your dick placed in a guillotine and chopped off.  HIIIIIII-YYYYYAAAAAA.  Bye! Bye!

Want to be a man. Want to keep those balls?   DON'T LIE OR TRY TO DECEIVE YOUR WIFE.