Don't be a Scapegoat

Don’t be a scapegoat. Don’t carry the can for something you didn’t do, but if you did do something wrong then it’s up to you to be responsible and accept it. Certainly don’t accept blame for something you didn’t do. Accusations are unjust. It’s up to you to make sure they’re not.

If more than one person is responsible for something that has happened and you’re the only one being made the scapegoat, then say so. We must use what we know to let others know we’re not the only one at fault. Always outline your part in the problem. It’s up to others to come forward.

Build your self-confidence so that you stand up for yourself. If you’re more assertive you’re more likely to say something when the finger is pointed at you. When we lack self-confidence we tend to run with what the other person is telling us, then feel bad when we can’t go back in to correct things.
Unfortunately when anyone uses a scapegoat they may have distorted views on their reality. No one without a distorted view will seek to use someone else in order to justify themselves and/or their behaviour. That person may also continue to direct the problem at that person and will feel justified in the process.

Once you say that a behavior is unacceptable, either they need to stop or you need to leave. A good way to continue being an easy target is to sit there and take it, even though you’ve said the words. Words need action, and if they continue to bully you or put you down, feel free to get up and leave the room until  they realize they need to treat you with respect. Some people may never get the message. In this respect, you need to distance yourself from the bully because they are toxic to your mental (and even physical) health. By distancing yourself, you also show that you are not willing to back down and you will not be used as an easy target. They may use this against you saying you are giving them the silent treatment, etc. Don't back down. If you allow them to continue to treat you in such a way, they will.

Scapegoat? It is up to you to decide whether you wish to keep chewing the cud, or spit it out, get those horns aligned, push off the ground, charge head first and boot them out.

Considerations

There are some things to consider in order to avoid inviting and/or allowing family, friends and co-workers to abuse you. One thing I learned when I began recovering from narcissistic relationships is that I needed to stop certain behaviors that invited abuse in the first place. There were things I was saying and doing, often subconsciously, that attracted the negative feelings of others and left me wide open to disdain and disrespect.

It led to more than a few people abusing me. I was pretty angry about it, because I knew that I was a good person and did not deserve that treatment — especially since I was having so many challenges.
There are good people out there with unresolved issues and there are just plain toxic ones that you should avoid at all costs. It has been a life experience. But I have come to see there is light on the other side and you learn from your own experiences. Here's how to recognise between the two:

1.  Notice what is their usual m.o. is. If all they can do is put you down all the time, try and control you, use you as a utility or try and manipulate you because they want something. Get out.

2.  Are they a loyal, circumspect (discretionary) type of person? If so, they’re a keeper.

3.  Are they overly controlling? Do they try and instill fear in you? Do they always have to say something to put you down so they can put themselves up? Do they lie? Do they gaslight? Do they profess all their wonderful plans and dreams for the both of you for the future but nothing ever comes of it? Do they say one thing to your face and another behind your back?  Do you allow all of this behavior while being very uncomfortable and knowing full well that it is wrong? These are major red flags. It only gets worse with time.

4.  Don’t engage in too much self-disclosure, even with close friends. When people know your private business, especially the negative stuff, they often judge you and start thinking of you differently and treating you differently. Some even start thinking you’re a jinx and will avoid you and even gossip about you.

5.  Don’t be a downer, and don’t complain about stuff too much: politics, societal deterioration, the weather… whatever!

6.  Don’t reveal too much about your personal challenges. Do so, if you must, by talking about it generally or vaguely, and always with a rational tone and a positive end note.

7.  Don’t be too self-deprecating, except in a humorous way that is silly or preposterous. If we denigrate ourselves, we are only revealing our low self-esteem, and giving them permission to disrespect us.

8.  Don’t talk about your fears too intensely. Speak generally and rationally. 

9.  Don’t disclose private details about relationships, or financial and legal details. When we’re having trouble, we’re tempted to confide in people. Don’t.

10.  Don’t trust people with your secrets. Like them, engage with them, but don’t expect people – even your best friends – to keep secrets. They can’t. Secrets are always juicy. It’s human nature to feel compelled to share something juicy. People will use secrets against you more often than you believe. You’re setting yourself up for betrayal.

11.  Don’t trust people too much. Don’t engage in naive trust. Don’t kid yourself that people will take the high road. These days, you never know what you’ll get. Practice healthy discretion, Don’t get too attached too quickly or easily. Look and listen for the right cues. Make good choices.

12.  Don’t use friendships or romantic partners for therapy. Work on your difficult challenges with a professionally trained counsellor.

13. Never allow yourself to be a victim. Stick that head back on your shoulders and show them - Mama don't take no shit.

If there is one thing I have learned - you don't have to trust anyone. You can choose who you want to trust - that choice is up to yourself, not anyone else. Listen to your gut, it is there for a reason.

The Scapegoat

In a family where one of the parents has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the children in the family are frequently pitted against the other. The NPD parent will designate one of the children as the scapegoat. The role of the scapegoat may rotate but it’s usually one particular child that is targeted. This child is usually the more sensitive child, the one who doesn’t play the game and flatter the narcissist, the truth teller. When the NPD parent injures this child using emotional manipulation and encouraging the others in the family to 'mob' (bullying by group), the NPD parent gets a whiff of narcissistic supply. They get off on control and their ability to make someone else feel inferior, to sabotage and limit their success. The goal of the NPD parent is to make the scapegoat bend to ther will by using ostracism, mockery, malicious gossip and alienation.

The golden child, on the other hand, can do no wrong. No matter how much the kid screws up, the NPD parent will make excuses. It’s not their fault. The problem started before they came along.  They need time to mature.  They will never suffer the consequences of their behavior nor will there be any criticism of their limitations. Indeed, any minor accomplishment is made to look magnificent.


And then there are the flying monkeys - these are the siblings, and others, who act as the hit men for the NPD parent. They are sent on missions to obtain information from the scapegoat that gets reported back to the NPD parent. The parent then uses that information to spread rumors, gossip and malicious mockery through his or her own actions or the actions of the flying monkeys. The gossip may contain a hint of truth but this is usually blown out of proportion. The more voices that propagate the gossip, the greater the negative effect on the scapegoat.

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  This scenario does not juat happen in families but in relationships too. For example, a narcissistic husband will use his wife as a scapegoat if she fights back and his friends as the flying monkeys to save himself.A narcissistic co-worker will treat another co-worker as a scapegoat and other co-workers as their flying monkeys.

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower. In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a victim role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

So how do you break free from being a scapegoat?

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s a lie that was created to prevent members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.

2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself. 

3. Recognise that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.

4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing. 

5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.

6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child. 

7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologise or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable. 

8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. Tell them that the way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again. Stand up for yourself. Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself. Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself. 

9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you. You may experience feelings of grief. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone. 

10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong. 

11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles. Find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.

 

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.

Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat 

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

How Scapegoating Impacts the Target

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

How To Break Free From Scapegoating

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.
   
   
2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.
   
   
3. Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.
   
   
4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing
   
   
5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.
   
   
6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
   
   
7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
   
   
8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.
   
   
9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.
   
   
10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.
    
    
11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.
    
    
12. Practice what you preach with others…  Break the cycle

- See more at: http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat#sthash.5PDX2qai.dpu

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.
Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat 
The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.
How Scapegoating Impacts the Target
Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.
How To Break Free From Scapegoating

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.
   
   
2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.
   
   
3. Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.
   
   
4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing
   
   
5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.
   
   
6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
   
   
7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
   
   
8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.
   
   
9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.
   
   
10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.
    
    
11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.
    
    
12. Practice what you preach with others…  Break the cycle

- See more at: http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat#sthash.5PDX2qai.dpuf

Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Trust your gut. When you feel something is odd - it ussually is. When someone then tries to say things to you like:

You're too sensitive
You're crazy
You're imagining things
I never said that
It's your fear talking
You’re crazy – that never happened.
 Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.
It’s all in your head.
 You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.
I don’t know what you’re talking about
You’re just making stuff up.
 
 If you find yourself in a scenario where information is constantly twisted or spun, selectively ommitted or false information presented to you to doubt your own memory, perception or sanity - you've been gaslighted.

Gradually over time, you will start to believe you are loosing it and going crazy. You will start to doubt your gut and everything about yourself, your thoughts, opinions, ideas and ideals. Resist it. Someone is trying to get you to live in a reality they want to define for you so you become completely dependent on them.  

Each day write a diary. Write everything down. So when you start to doubt yourself, go back. And don't ever stop listening to that gut - it is there for a reason.

Never allow yourself to be completely dependent on someone. No is a complete sentence. If they keep pushing, they are pushing for a reason. Never let anyone tell you being independent is wrong. To find yourself, you must think for yourself. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.

Forgiveness

Throughout life there is generally pain and suffering for a lot of people for awhile, but even that is a good thing. After awhile, when you have to face reality day after day, have to face the fact that not everyone is a good person who intends to do good and tries to do good, that evil exists and it manifests most often in our world via pathological deviants, that they cannot be fixed, well, you become 'inoculated' and gain a different perspective. Not only that, but you realise that none of the rules of human interactions you always believed in even apply. You don't forgive them, you don't forget, and that's not a bad thing.

There may be times when you have withheld forgiveness from certain people in your life and as a consequence experienced alot of accusations - normally from the people themselves or their sympathisers. They accuse you of 'refusing to forget the past', 'holding a grudge', 'being resentful', or  'not letting go' or 'not living in reality'. And therefore it's all your fault because you can't forgive and forget and let bygones be bygones. What an evil, unforgiving, unspiritual, vicious, vindictive person you are.

Some people have a very limited range of emotions. While being able to fake having a wider range of emotions, they really operate on an emotional level of an animal with the two primary motivating emotions of fear and anger, of which they will try and impose on you. They project their own emotional state or reactions to you. Which is why, when you calmly and firmly withhold absolution for their misdeeds and stand up for yourself, they immediately assume a negative.

Is it true? Is it inevitable that your decision to wait for someone to show true signs of confession, contrition, restitution and a firm resolve to not repeat the offence can only mean that you are a resentful, grudge-filled, vengeful, nasty person? Is it possible to withhold a gift of forgiveness while simultaneously living your own life with productiveness, happiness, and a clear conscience without bitterness?

The person that hurt you and their sympathesisers view is that you can't be a spiritual person with a clean conscience and have a focus on the good things in life whilst withholding forgiveness. They think it is 'withholding forgiveness'. It isn't. There's really nothing to forgive. If a tornado destroys your house, do you feel that you need to forgive it?  Of course not. It does what it does because it is what it is and you are there. 

There are times when you have to depersonalise the accusations of someone that has hurt you when you come to understand that the person that has hurt you is not truth-based. An emotionally healthy person is only interested in truth-based reality, they don't take someone who has lied to them or hurt them at their word. Whe you start being accused of withholding forgiveness and being a ball of negative energy with some much hate in your heart, don't take it to heart. Don't let them get into your head. It has taken me the last five years to realise this - most especially the last three months - and I now feel alot calmer for it.

When a hurricane threatens, stay out of the way. Hammer the boards over your windows and take cover to protect yourself. When the hurricane comes knocking you don't run up and open the door to it. You don't invite the hurricane to dinner. You don't throw your kids out on the front porch to appease the hurricane in order to save yourself. Or, like the natives of certain tribes, throw your virgins into the volcano to stave off its rage and rampage. No, you simply do all you can to protect yourself and stay out of the path of a force of nature. You simply have to come to recognise the truth that certain people that will lie to you or hurt you time and time again - they are destructive forces and you can never change them. You do not try to reason with a force of nature. You don't try to placate it. You don't waste time hoping the force of nature will grow a heart. You get out of its way and stay out of its way. Detach yourself. That is all you can do. 

Let us say for a moment that you've misjudged someone that has lied or hurt you. If you have misjudged them, your withdrawing doesn't prevent them from proving they are good people. Your withdrawal doesn't hurt someone in an irreparable way. Withdrawing is the kindest and least damaging of any other action you can take. The other person, if misjudged by you, will lead their lives in such a way that will prove they are something other than what you thought they were.

If you happen to be wrong, your withdrawal is not going to damage the other person's life. If you didn't misjudge, you've taken an action that has protected your self without taking retaliatory actions against the other party. There are some people that would like to pretend your withdrawal is retaliatory, but that is a lie. It is the kindest, gentlest way of dealing with someone's toxicity. It acknowledges that you are not willing to be hurt or lied to anymore, and that you've abdicated the idea that the their salvation somehow is dependent on you. While they characterise you getting on with your own life as cruel, or 'ignoring them' or 'giving them the silent treatment' -  the opposite is true. It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for them. They are deprived of using you and you are not responsible for increasing their evil by letting them hone it on you.

Refusing to forget the past is thrown in your face like it is a bad thing, but if you don't have any recollection of the terrible damage a tidal wave can do, then you won't know enough to get off the beach when the water draws back. Remembering the past is essential for survival. It is not a fault of character. An operational memory is what helps keep us safe. Don't let someone shame you with that.

If someone hurts you or lies to you they should be asking you for your forgiveness. Instead, they demand you to forget. There is a very large difference between the two. They don't want forgiveness, they want us to wipe our memories into blanks. Why? Because they want carte blanche.

Refuse to let the bad guys make the rules for your life. They just want to make all the rules. Their demands always boil down to the same thing - that you continue on as before and allow them the right to hurt you and lie to you as they see fit. Well, for me, I have a good enough memory, and enough sense, to know that I have been dealing with a force of nature. My desire for it to be different won't change it. When the blizzard threatens, I'm locking the doors and not stepping a toe outdoors until it has moved on. I won't let them impose fear on me anymore. I won't allow them to lie to me anymore. I won't let that blizzard get into my head. Instead I'll be quietly and contentedly getting on with my life. And no, this isn't my heart being full of hate. I'm just very happily and realistically leading my life out of the path of the storm.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel a like horrid ogre for not forgiving them immediately and wanting a carte blanche. Life doesn't work like that. When they say - forgive me - OK? Don't say OK. Because you are confirming that it is at a time when it isn't and allowing them to continue as they have done before. Forgiveness takes time as does trust. In time you may forgive, but only when you see the proper time to forgive that feels right for yourself. But that time is up to you. It is up to you not them. And that is not being selfish. That time is needed so you can allow yourself to mend the broken that has been caused. 

You may forgive but you will never forget. No one can make you forget. To forget would not be living in reality.

Narcissistic Apologies

When someone hurts you, you hope for a statement of regret.  You don’t want an explanation of the philosophy that led to the offence. You don’t want justification for the action or words. You want the person to be sorry.

So think about that. What you want is for the person to understand how the action hurt you and to feel some of your pain. What you want is for the person to regret his/her actions and contribute to your healing. What you want is empathy.

The inability to apologise is a defining characteristic of the narcissist. I realise that many people learned narcissistic ways to apologise. Children are taught how to get out of trouble, not how to apologise with sincerity.  Many, if not most, adults present poor apologies when they want to express their regret and many try to pass the blame on the victim.  But most can be taught how to apologise in a way that does promote healing and peace.

Not the narcissist. Think about it.  If you were to teach someone how to apologise, what would you say?  You would probably say something like this:

“How would you feel if someone had done that to you?”  

My mother always said to me don't to you others what you wouldn't want others to do.

A narcissiscist would be very upset if someone did to them what they did to you.  Yet, they cannot believe that you could feel the same way—or—they simply don’t care that you feel the same way. Why not?  Because to acknowledge your feelings is to acknowledge you as a person.
Here’s an idea that came out of a recent conversation with a friend: ask your narcissist to explain what he thinks you felt when he did what he did. Ask him how a person who claims to love someone could do something like that to the one he loves.  Don’t ask what he thinks you should feel.  Don’t ask him what he thinks you should do now.  A narcissicist will always tell you to forgive and forget. He won't tell you to press for an understanding, which is what is required. For in order to forgive both parties require an understanding of what happened in order to resolve it in the first instance.

If you are wondering whether your painful person is a narcissist, this might be a helpful test. Maybe you have never heard a real apology.  Maybe you grew up in a home where people never apologised or did very poorly.  Here’s what an apology should sound like:

“I am sorry that I hurt you.  My words were cruel and I have no intention of defending them.  They were wrong. I was wrong. I apologise.”

Notice a couple of things:-

(1) There is no request for forgiveness.  Requesting forgiveness puts a burden on the victim, the one who was hurt. If an offender is truly sorry, he/she does not want to put any further burden on the one who was hurt. I understand that this sounds like a very Christian thing to do, but it is neither necessary nor kind.  If the one who was hurt wants to forgive, that’s fine.  But it takes time. But no push.

(2) There is no blame on anyone or anything else. There is no claim that the words were accidental or misunderstood. None of these things would mitigate the pain that was felt.  Nor is it simply an apology for hurting. It is an apology for being unkind and causing pain.

If the relationship calls for it, an expression of love is appropriate—especially if that expression speaks to the value of the one who was hurt.

“You are my friend and you are important to me.  It grieves me that I hurt you.”

“I love you and it hurts me that I hurt you.”

If someone is sincere in their apology they should understand how the action or words caused pain and if the offender empathises with your pain.

A narcissist cannot say these things from the heart because he/she has no empathy, no way to understand or value your feelings.

Here are a couple of narcissistic apologies:

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you were hurt.

TRUE APOLOGY: I’m sorry I hurt you.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you thought you heard that.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I said that.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you misunderstood..

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused a misunderstanding..

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you feel that way.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused you pain.

Other Narcissistic apologies include:

I’m sorry that happened.

I didn’t do that.  I’m sorry you think I did.

I apologise for trying.

I apologise for caring.

I apologise for being human.

I apologise for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Notice that the first half of the sentence we have an apology. In the second half of the sentence we have a reason not to take responsiblity for their actions.