Forgiveness

Throughout life there is generally pain and suffering for a lot of people for awhile, but even that is a good thing. After awhile, when you have to face reality day after day, have to face the fact that not everyone is a good person who intends to do good and tries to do good, that evil exists and it manifests most often in our world via pathological deviants, that they cannot be fixed, well, you become 'inoculated' and gain a different perspective. Not only that, but you realise that none of the rules of human interactions you always believed in even apply. You don't forgive them, you don't forget, and that's not a bad thing.

There may be times when you have withheld forgiveness from certain people in your life and as a consequence experienced alot of accusations - normally from the people themselves or their sympathisers. They accuse you of 'refusing to forget the past', 'holding a grudge', 'being resentful', or  'not letting go' or 'not living in reality'. And therefore it's all your fault because you can't forgive and forget and let bygones be bygones. What an evil, unforgiving, unspiritual, vicious, vindictive person you are.

Some people have a very limited range of emotions. While being able to fake having a wider range of emotions, they really operate on an emotional level of an animal with the two primary motivating emotions of fear and anger, of which they will try and impose on you. They project their own emotional state or reactions to you. Which is why, when you calmly and firmly withhold absolution for their misdeeds and stand up for yourself, they immediately assume a negative.

Is it true? Is it inevitable that your decision to wait for someone to show true signs of confession, contrition, restitution and a firm resolve to not repeat the offence can only mean that you are a resentful, grudge-filled, vengeful, nasty person? Is it possible to withhold a gift of forgiveness while simultaneously living your own life with productiveness, happiness, and a clear conscience without bitterness?

The person that hurt you and their sympathesisers view is that you can't be a spiritual person with a clean conscience and have a focus on the good things in life whilst withholding forgiveness. They think it is 'withholding forgiveness'. It isn't. There's really nothing to forgive. If a tornado destroys your house, do you feel that you need to forgive it?  Of course not. It does what it does because it is what it is and you are there. 

There are times when you have to depersonalise the accusations of someone that has hurt you when you come to understand that the person that has hurt you is not truth-based. An emotionally healthy person is only interested in truth-based reality, they don't take someone who has lied to them or hurt them at their word. Whe you start being accused of withholding forgiveness and being a ball of negative energy with some much hate in your heart, don't take it to heart. Don't let them get into your head. It has taken me the last five years to realise this - most especially the last three months - and I now feel alot calmer for it.

When a hurricane threatens, stay out of the way. Hammer the boards over your windows and take cover to protect yourself. When the hurricane comes knocking you don't run up and open the door to it. You don't invite the hurricane to dinner. You don't throw your kids out on the front porch to appease the hurricane in order to save yourself. Or, like the natives of certain tribes, throw your virgins into the volcano to stave off its rage and rampage. No, you simply do all you can to protect yourself and stay out of the path of a force of nature. You simply have to come to recognise the truth that certain people that will lie to you or hurt you time and time again - they are destructive forces and you can never change them. You do not try to reason with a force of nature. You don't try to placate it. You don't waste time hoping the force of nature will grow a heart. You get out of its way and stay out of its way. Detach yourself. That is all you can do. 

Let us say for a moment that you've misjudged someone that has lied or hurt you. If you have misjudged them, your withdrawing doesn't prevent them from proving they are good people. Your withdrawal doesn't hurt someone in an irreparable way. Withdrawing is the kindest and least damaging of any other action you can take. The other person, if misjudged by you, will lead their lives in such a way that will prove they are something other than what you thought they were.

If you happen to be wrong, your withdrawal is not going to damage the other person's life. If you didn't misjudge, you've taken an action that has protected your self without taking retaliatory actions against the other party. There are some people that would like to pretend your withdrawal is retaliatory, but that is a lie. It is the kindest, gentlest way of dealing with someone's toxicity. It acknowledges that you are not willing to be hurt or lied to anymore, and that you've abdicated the idea that the their salvation somehow is dependent on you. While they characterise you getting on with your own life as cruel, or 'ignoring them' or 'giving them the silent treatment' -  the opposite is true. It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for them. They are deprived of using you and you are not responsible for increasing their evil by letting them hone it on you.

Refusing to forget the past is thrown in your face like it is a bad thing, but if you don't have any recollection of the terrible damage a tidal wave can do, then you won't know enough to get off the beach when the water draws back. Remembering the past is essential for survival. It is not a fault of character. An operational memory is what helps keep us safe. Don't let someone shame you with that.

If someone hurts you or lies to you they should be asking you for your forgiveness. Instead, they demand you to forget. There is a very large difference between the two. They don't want forgiveness, they want us to wipe our memories into blanks. Why? Because they want carte blanche.

Refuse to let the bad guys make the rules for your life. They just want to make all the rules. Their demands always boil down to the same thing - that you continue on as before and allow them the right to hurt you and lie to you as they see fit. Well, for me, I have a good enough memory, and enough sense, to know that I have been dealing with a force of nature. My desire for it to be different won't change it. When the blizzard threatens, I'm locking the doors and not stepping a toe outdoors until it has moved on. I won't let them impose fear on me anymore. I won't allow them to lie to me anymore. I won't let that blizzard get into my head. Instead I'll be quietly and contentedly getting on with my life. And no, this isn't my heart being full of hate. I'm just very happily and realistically leading my life out of the path of the storm.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel a like horrid ogre for not forgiving them immediately and wanting a carte blanche. Life doesn't work like that. When they say - forgive me - OK? Don't say OK. Because you are confirming that it is at a time when it isn't and allowing them to continue as they have done before. Forgiveness takes time as does trust. In time you may forgive, but only when you see the proper time to forgive that feels right for yourself. But that time is up to you. It is up to you not them. And that is not being selfish. That time is needed so you can allow yourself to mend the broken that has been caused. 

You may forgive but you will never forget. No one can make you forget. To forget would not be living in reality.