What is self indulgence?

I have gone through 39 years of my life. In my past (almost) 10 years of my life, my husband (now separated and soon to be divorced), used to associate grief with self indulgence. When one is coming with grief there are 5 stages. With one episode of grief, it takes time for the body and mind to assimilate, process, accept and move on. In a society today, particularly in Scottish or British Society, one is allowed to be angry, to be selfish and think of one before the other, but one is not allowed to grieve because grieving is 'self indulgent'. So what is being selfish? What is putting yourself before another so you can save yourself? What is putting another down so you can feel better? What is inviting yourself to someone else's house because, although you have the money for the holiday, you want to be as cheap as chips and take advantage of an opportunity for yourself rather than the sake of another?

When you think about this - Scottish society is the most self indulgent society ever. Because all these acts are self indulgent  (referendum, feeling like you deserve better just because you are 'Scottish'), but the common act of grieving, which is a natural process of the body letting go emotionally naturally is treated as self indulgent. Is it because anger, fighting, puting yourself first is classified as being strong and therefore non-self indulgent but the act of vulnerability displayed as weakness and therefore classified as an act of 'self indulgence'?

One great myth is tht vulnerability is a sign of weakness. When we think of times that we have felt at our most vulnerable and emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage. Vulnerability is perhaps the strongest act that one can portray. Because vulnerability protrays the true self - warts and all. It takes courage to display vulnerability. To say who you are, how it is - warts and all. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the centre of meaningful human experience.

What most of us fail to understand is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave. Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy courage, empathy, and creativity.Without vulnerability there is no love. There is no belonging. There is no joy. There is no courage.

Because I know when I cry, I am not afraid to show it. Crying is a symbol of strength and courage. And I know each time those tears flow, I understand the meaning of why they flow. Its what nature gave us naturally to return to equilibrium. Society today dictates one should not express emotion. One should retain it, or control it. We are not robots that function purely on robotic mode. Emotion is a spiritual that reflects the soul and allows us to function as nature intended. Without expressing our emotions we are not allowing ourselves to be with soul and the core of our being.

I have lit a bonfre tonight, weeded the flowers so they can breathe, put flowers on Zion and a bit of roast venison for his soul to appreciate and looking forward to watch the fourth and final blood moon eclipse in the tetrad that started last year. Nature has given me so much insight and knowledge. I feel so blessed. I know who my true friends are. I know that I don't have to prove myself to those that feel I have to prove myself to. I now know and are aware of those that I need to close the door to immediately and not feel any guilt of doing so. I feel a wonderful smile on my face that I held my values and although that office was a mess and the dishes unwashed, I am a good person, no matter how many white towels were taken (10), double duvet cover sets (9), and feather duvets and pillows were taken. Gosh, you'd think it was a second hand caravan salesman vacating the house opening up a new caravan park. That gives me a giggle.

New moon. New life. New start. Thank you mother nature. I love you XXX