The Scapegoat

In a family where one of the parents has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the children in the family are frequently pitted against the other. The NPD parent will designate one of the children as the scapegoat. The role of the scapegoat may rotate but it’s usually one particular child that is targeted. This child is usually the more sensitive child, the one who doesn’t play the game and flatter the narcissist, the truth teller. When the NPD parent injures this child using emotional manipulation and encouraging the others in the family to 'mob' (bullying by group), the NPD parent gets a whiff of narcissistic supply. They get off on control and their ability to make someone else feel inferior, to sabotage and limit their success. The goal of the NPD parent is to make the scapegoat bend to ther will by using ostracism, mockery, malicious gossip and alienation.

The golden child, on the other hand, can do no wrong. No matter how much the kid screws up, the NPD parent will make excuses. It’s not their fault. The problem started before they came along.  They need time to mature.  They will never suffer the consequences of their behavior nor will there be any criticism of their limitations. Indeed, any minor accomplishment is made to look magnificent.


And then there are the flying monkeys - these are the siblings, and others, who act as the hit men for the NPD parent. They are sent on missions to obtain information from the scapegoat that gets reported back to the NPD parent. The parent then uses that information to spread rumors, gossip and malicious mockery through his or her own actions or the actions of the flying monkeys. The gossip may contain a hint of truth but this is usually blown out of proportion. The more voices that propagate the gossip, the greater the negative effect on the scapegoat.

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  This scenario does not juat happen in families but in relationships too. For example, a narcissistic husband will use his wife as a scapegoat if she fights back and his friends as the flying monkeys to save himself.A narcissistic co-worker will treat another co-worker as a scapegoat and other co-workers as their flying monkeys.

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident. Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower. In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a victim role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

So how do you break free from being a scapegoat?

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s a lie that was created to prevent members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.

2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself. 

3. Recognise that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings. To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.

4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing. 

5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.

6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child. 

7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologise or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable. 

8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you. Tell them that the way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again. Stand up for yourself. Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people. The point is that you hear and respect yourself. Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself. 

9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you. You may experience feelings of grief. Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed. This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone. 

10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong. 

11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective. Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles. Find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.

 

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.

Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat 

The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.

How Scapegoating Impacts the Target

Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.

How To Break Free From Scapegoating

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.
   
   
2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.
   
   
3. Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.
   
   
4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing
   
   
5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.
   
   
6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
   
   
7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
   
   
8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.
   
   
9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.
   
   
10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.
    
    
11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.
    
    
12. Practice what you preach with others…  Break the cycle

- See more at: http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat#sthash.5PDX2qai.dpu

Many families who resort to scapegoating are headed by narcissistic parents who lack personal awareness, and empathy for their target, as in their eyes, the target is there to serve their false image.  So the purpose of scapegoating is to allow families to carry on unhealthy behavior patterns, and maintain myth of normalcy, without having to look inward or take responsibility for a toxic environment.  To the outside observer – and possibly the Scapegoat – these families seem crazy making and delusional.
Who Gets Picked to Be Scapegoat 
The Scapegoat doesn’t get picked randomly or by accident.  Usually they are either sensitive, unhappy, vulnerable, ill and/or the outspoken child or whistle blower.  In other words, the scapegoat is the child who refuses to look content or stay silent in the unbearable atmosphere created in the family home.
How Scapegoating Impacts the Target
Scapegoats almost universally experience low self esteem or lack of self worth.  The major problem is that they suffer from an Identity Disturbance, as the target confuses the myth that they are bad, with the truth.  This is usually a lie and the truth is that Scapegoats are being abused by being taught they are ‘bad’.  Scapegoats tend to struggle with chronic insecurity, as they never feel safe or believe they are loved.  They can also fall into a‘Victim’ role, and unconsciously repeat their scapegoating by gravitating towards unhealthy behavior or relationships at work, school and their private life.

Scapegoats often have trouble feeling safe in relationships - especially intimate relationships - due to the betrayal of trust in their family.  They can also have challenges managing emotions, and find they either feel overwhelmed by feelings and anxious, or shut down and not know how they are feeling.
How To Break Free From Scapegoating

1. Understand that what you have come to believe about yourself as family Scapegoat – i.e. that you are bad, weird, inadequate or defective - is not the truth.  In fact it’s likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change.
   
   
2. Locate and trust your ‘Inner Owl’ – that wise part of you that knows you have been mistreated and will no longer willingly allow this abuse from others or yourself.
   
   
3. Recognize that feelings of shame, guilt and self blame belong to the perpetrators, not you as target.  You are simply a dumping ground for their bad feelings.  To change this you need to start standing up to the notion that you are at fault.  You will likely have to begin with yourself, learning to question and reject seeing yourself as ‘bad’.
   
   
4. Get to know your true self.  Identify exceptions to the negative stereotype you have been saddled with.  In other words, pinpoint what is good, likeable or at least adequate about you - your character, values, actions, etc.  Write down your good traits – you will need to be reminded of this alternate universe, which is the truth about you, especially if you start to fall back into the habit of feeling bad about yourself again. Understand that getting better – and feeling better - is a learning curve, and you may slip a few times before you gain solid footing
   
   
5. Figure out what you might be doing – consciously or unconsciously – that gives scapegoaters the idea that it’s OK to abuse you.  Determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the Victim role.
   
   
6. Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members, co-workers or ‘friends’.  Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
   
   
7. Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends.  They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
   
   
8. Start asserting your right to be treated respectfully with family and other people who try and abuse you.  E.G., “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “If you want to have a relationship with me, you will stop the angry outbursts, name calling, accusations, etc.”  Know that you may not be heard or respected by aggressive people.  The point is that you hear and respect yourself!  Don’t do this until you are ready to follow through with your commitment to yourself.
   
   
9. Accept that you may never have a healthy relationship with your scapegoater(s).  This may involve limited or no contact with those who are determined to continue to abuse you.  You may experience feelings of grief.  Work through the painful feelings, and get support if needed.  This pain is much less harmful than continuing to allow yourself to be abused by anyone.
   
   
10. Get in the habit of treating yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, appreciation and acceptance.  Practice viewing yourself as a person of worth and lovability.  This will likely feel weird at first as it is unfamiliar.  But even though it is unfamiliar, treating yourself in a loving manner is never wrong.
    
    
11. Understand that it will take time to learn how to love and appreciate yourself.  You have been trained to be overly self critical and may believe you are defective.  Be patient as this false image gradually crumbles.  Get counselling to help you overcome this painful legacy, and find your true self - the strong, valuable person you are meant to be.
    
    
12. Practice what you preach with others…  Break the cycle

- See more at: http://www.glynissherwood.com/blog/12-steps-to-breaking-free-from-being-the-family-scapegoat#sthash.5PDX2qai.dpuf

Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Trust your gut. When you feel something is odd - it ussually is. When someone then tries to say things to you like:

You're too sensitive
You're crazy
You're imagining things
I never said that
It's your fear talking
You’re crazy – that never happened.
 Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.
It’s all in your head.
 You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.
I don’t know what you’re talking about
You’re just making stuff up.
 
 If you find yourself in a scenario where information is constantly twisted or spun, selectively ommitted or false information presented to you to doubt your own memory, perception or sanity - you've been gaslighted.

Gradually over time, you will start to believe you are loosing it and going crazy. You will start to doubt your gut and everything about yourself, your thoughts, opinions, ideas and ideals. Resist it. Someone is trying to get you to live in a reality they want to define for you so you become completely dependent on them.  

Each day write a diary. Write everything down. So when you start to doubt yourself, go back. And don't ever stop listening to that gut - it is there for a reason.

Never allow yourself to be completely dependent on someone. No is a complete sentence. If they keep pushing, they are pushing for a reason. Never let anyone tell you being independent is wrong. To find yourself, you must think for yourself. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice.

Forgiveness

Throughout life there is generally pain and suffering for a lot of people for awhile, but even that is a good thing. After awhile, when you have to face reality day after day, have to face the fact that not everyone is a good person who intends to do good and tries to do good, that evil exists and it manifests most often in our world via pathological deviants, that they cannot be fixed, well, you become 'inoculated' and gain a different perspective. Not only that, but you realise that none of the rules of human interactions you always believed in even apply. You don't forgive them, you don't forget, and that's not a bad thing.

There may be times when you have withheld forgiveness from certain people in your life and as a consequence experienced alot of accusations - normally from the people themselves or their sympathisers. They accuse you of 'refusing to forget the past', 'holding a grudge', 'being resentful', or  'not letting go' or 'not living in reality'. And therefore it's all your fault because you can't forgive and forget and let bygones be bygones. What an evil, unforgiving, unspiritual, vicious, vindictive person you are.

Some people have a very limited range of emotions. While being able to fake having a wider range of emotions, they really operate on an emotional level of an animal with the two primary motivating emotions of fear and anger, of which they will try and impose on you. They project their own emotional state or reactions to you. Which is why, when you calmly and firmly withhold absolution for their misdeeds and stand up for yourself, they immediately assume a negative.

Is it true? Is it inevitable that your decision to wait for someone to show true signs of confession, contrition, restitution and a firm resolve to not repeat the offence can only mean that you are a resentful, grudge-filled, vengeful, nasty person? Is it possible to withhold a gift of forgiveness while simultaneously living your own life with productiveness, happiness, and a clear conscience without bitterness?

The person that hurt you and their sympathesisers view is that you can't be a spiritual person with a clean conscience and have a focus on the good things in life whilst withholding forgiveness. They think it is 'withholding forgiveness'. It isn't. There's really nothing to forgive. If a tornado destroys your house, do you feel that you need to forgive it?  Of course not. It does what it does because it is what it is and you are there. 

There are times when you have to depersonalise the accusations of someone that has hurt you when you come to understand that the person that has hurt you is not truth-based. An emotionally healthy person is only interested in truth-based reality, they don't take someone who has lied to them or hurt them at their word. Whe you start being accused of withholding forgiveness and being a ball of negative energy with some much hate in your heart, don't take it to heart. Don't let them get into your head. It has taken me the last five years to realise this - most especially the last three months - and I now feel alot calmer for it.

When a hurricane threatens, stay out of the way. Hammer the boards over your windows and take cover to protect yourself. When the hurricane comes knocking you don't run up and open the door to it. You don't invite the hurricane to dinner. You don't throw your kids out on the front porch to appease the hurricane in order to save yourself. Or, like the natives of certain tribes, throw your virgins into the volcano to stave off its rage and rampage. No, you simply do all you can to protect yourself and stay out of the path of a force of nature. You simply have to come to recognise the truth that certain people that will lie to you or hurt you time and time again - they are destructive forces and you can never change them. You do not try to reason with a force of nature. You don't try to placate it. You don't waste time hoping the force of nature will grow a heart. You get out of its way and stay out of its way. Detach yourself. That is all you can do. 

Let us say for a moment that you've misjudged someone that has lied or hurt you. If you have misjudged them, your withdrawing doesn't prevent them from proving they are good people. Your withdrawal doesn't hurt someone in an irreparable way. Withdrawing is the kindest and least damaging of any other action you can take. The other person, if misjudged by you, will lead their lives in such a way that will prove they are something other than what you thought they were.

If you happen to be wrong, your withdrawal is not going to damage the other person's life. If you didn't misjudge, you've taken an action that has protected your self without taking retaliatory actions against the other party. There are some people that would like to pretend your withdrawal is retaliatory, but that is a lie. It is the kindest, gentlest way of dealing with someone's toxicity. It acknowledges that you are not willing to be hurt or lied to anymore, and that you've abdicated the idea that the their salvation somehow is dependent on you. While they characterise you getting on with your own life as cruel, or 'ignoring them' or 'giving them the silent treatment' -  the opposite is true. It is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for them. They are deprived of using you and you are not responsible for increasing their evil by letting them hone it on you.

Refusing to forget the past is thrown in your face like it is a bad thing, but if you don't have any recollection of the terrible damage a tidal wave can do, then you won't know enough to get off the beach when the water draws back. Remembering the past is essential for survival. It is not a fault of character. An operational memory is what helps keep us safe. Don't let someone shame you with that.

If someone hurts you or lies to you they should be asking you for your forgiveness. Instead, they demand you to forget. There is a very large difference between the two. They don't want forgiveness, they want us to wipe our memories into blanks. Why? Because they want carte blanche.

Refuse to let the bad guys make the rules for your life. They just want to make all the rules. Their demands always boil down to the same thing - that you continue on as before and allow them the right to hurt you and lie to you as they see fit. Well, for me, I have a good enough memory, and enough sense, to know that I have been dealing with a force of nature. My desire for it to be different won't change it. When the blizzard threatens, I'm locking the doors and not stepping a toe outdoors until it has moved on. I won't let them impose fear on me anymore. I won't allow them to lie to me anymore. I won't let that blizzard get into my head. Instead I'll be quietly and contentedly getting on with my life. And no, this isn't my heart being full of hate. I'm just very happily and realistically leading my life out of the path of the storm.

Don't ever let anyone make you feel a like horrid ogre for not forgiving them immediately and wanting a carte blanche. Life doesn't work like that. When they say - forgive me - OK? Don't say OK. Because you are confirming that it is at a time when it isn't and allowing them to continue as they have done before. Forgiveness takes time as does trust. In time you may forgive, but only when you see the proper time to forgive that feels right for yourself. But that time is up to you. It is up to you not them. And that is not being selfish. That time is needed so you can allow yourself to mend the broken that has been caused. 

You may forgive but you will never forget. No one can make you forget. To forget would not be living in reality.

Narcissistic Apologies

When someone hurts you, you hope for a statement of regret.  You don’t want an explanation of the philosophy that led to the offence. You don’t want justification for the action or words. You want the person to be sorry.

So think about that. What you want is for the person to understand how the action hurt you and to feel some of your pain. What you want is for the person to regret his/her actions and contribute to your healing. What you want is empathy.

The inability to apologise is a defining characteristic of the narcissist. I realise that many people learned narcissistic ways to apologise. Children are taught how to get out of trouble, not how to apologise with sincerity.  Many, if not most, adults present poor apologies when they want to express their regret and many try to pass the blame on the victim.  But most can be taught how to apologise in a way that does promote healing and peace.

Not the narcissist. Think about it.  If you were to teach someone how to apologise, what would you say?  You would probably say something like this:

“How would you feel if someone had done that to you?”  

My mother always said to me don't to you others what you wouldn't want others to do.

A narcissiscist would be very upset if someone did to them what they did to you.  Yet, they cannot believe that you could feel the same way—or—they simply don’t care that you feel the same way. Why not?  Because to acknowledge your feelings is to acknowledge you as a person.
Here’s an idea that came out of a recent conversation with a friend: ask your narcissist to explain what he thinks you felt when he did what he did. Ask him how a person who claims to love someone could do something like that to the one he loves.  Don’t ask what he thinks you should feel.  Don’t ask him what he thinks you should do now.  A narcissicist will always tell you to forgive and forget. He won't tell you to press for an understanding, which is what is required. For in order to forgive both parties require an understanding of what happened in order to resolve it in the first instance.

If you are wondering whether your painful person is a narcissist, this might be a helpful test. Maybe you have never heard a real apology.  Maybe you grew up in a home where people never apologised or did very poorly.  Here’s what an apology should sound like:

“I am sorry that I hurt you.  My words were cruel and I have no intention of defending them.  They were wrong. I was wrong. I apologise.”

Notice a couple of things:-

(1) There is no request for forgiveness.  Requesting forgiveness puts a burden on the victim, the one who was hurt. If an offender is truly sorry, he/she does not want to put any further burden on the one who was hurt. I understand that this sounds like a very Christian thing to do, but it is neither necessary nor kind.  If the one who was hurt wants to forgive, that’s fine.  But it takes time. But no push.

(2) There is no blame on anyone or anything else. There is no claim that the words were accidental or misunderstood. None of these things would mitigate the pain that was felt.  Nor is it simply an apology for hurting. It is an apology for being unkind and causing pain.

If the relationship calls for it, an expression of love is appropriate—especially if that expression speaks to the value of the one who was hurt.

“You are my friend and you are important to me.  It grieves me that I hurt you.”

“I love you and it hurts me that I hurt you.”

If someone is sincere in their apology they should understand how the action or words caused pain and if the offender empathises with your pain.

A narcissist cannot say these things from the heart because he/she has no empathy, no way to understand or value your feelings.

Here are a couple of narcissistic apologies:

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you were hurt.

TRUE APOLOGY: I’m sorry I hurt you.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you thought you heard that.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I said that.

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you misunderstood..

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused a misunderstanding..

NARCISSIST: I’m sorry you feel that way.

TRUE APOLOGY:  I'm sorry I caused you pain.

Other Narcissistic apologies include:

I’m sorry that happened.

I didn’t do that.  I’m sorry you think I did.

I apologise for trying.

I apologise for caring.

I apologise for being human.

I apologise for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Notice that the first half of the sentence we have an apology. In the second half of the sentence we have a reason not to take responsiblity for their actions.

My Dreams and Aspirations

 To have a very big family - 3 or more children. To have a house full of people and kids. To give birth to a child and love and nurture them whilst not be controlling in any way so they can find themselves and learn from experience themselves. To not stifle or suffocate them – to let them have their own voice, needs and space. To be there when they fall and still love them regardless. To bring them colour, humour, laughter and fun. To allow them to see all the rainbows of life that it can offer them. To be the best Mum possible. Not for me but for them. To have a family that doesn't feel the constant need to compete to gain attention. Who are not affixiated with materialism or money. Who appreciate the simple things in life. Who are able to understand others and empathesize with others not because it results in a personal gain. Who can walk down a street and speak to anyone and of anyone with respect and dignity regardless of their status, race, sexual preference, disability or gender. 

To be with a husband who loves me for me and supports my dreams and aspirations. Who doesn’t try and belittle me  or be in control every time an opportunity arises. Who doesn’t tell me to go watch a youtube video everytime I want to learn something new. To be someone who loves me. Who respects me. Who doesn’t expect a wife to cook, clean and give sex.  Who loves me and respects me as a friend, confident and lover. Who wants the best for me and wants me to do well. Who won’t hurt me. Someone who will fight for me. Just as I would do for them.

Perhaps life was not meant to be like this for me. 

A WIFE'S BASIC NEEDS IN MARRIAGE

I feel compelled to write a post specifically for men.

Dear Men,

It astounds me that a man always thinks with his who-haa rather than his brain. When one gets married, a husband promises to love, cherish and respect.  A wife promises that as well.  For those that do plan to get married, it is essential to remember the following about your wife:

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”
Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are:

(1) to be cherished;
(2) to be known and;
(3) to be respected.

(1) YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO BE CHERISHED

A wife needs to know that she is cherished.  No matter how many I love you's or flowers you buy, it doesn't matter because what she needs to know, is that SHE IS NUMERO UNO IN YOUR LIFE. Shall I say that again?

YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO KNOW AND FEEL THAT SHE IS NUMERO UNO IN YOUR LIFE

You are now a team - she is half of you. Not your sister. Not your best friend. Not your Dad. Not your lighting rig. Not your goddamn rotavator. Not your 20 year plan for the vege patch.  Not the 21 year old porn goddess with the inflatable boobies and g-string on the internet. If you have not made her your No. 1 then you shouldn't of got married - full bloody stop.

When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. Just by saying, 'You are my everything', doesn't bloody count. It is your ACTIONS that count NOT YOUR WORDS. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence. She feels secure in her position of importance.

Husbands, you need to stick up for your wives. Not say, 'You are doing a great job doing that yourself'. For those wives that constantly do stick up for themselves to their husbands family, friends and acquaintances, it becomes exhausting.  The wife starts to feel that the husband doesn't believe in her. She doesn't feel cherished.  She doesn't feel respected. She has not married your overbearing, passive aggressive sister.  She has not married your father who keeps telling her she should be doing this and doing that.  She has married YOU so grow some balls and stand up for the god damn woman for once. You want to keep sitting on that god damn fence playing Mister Nice Guy to everyone?  Afraid of falling in the mud? Afraid of getting feet dirty?  Well be afraid.  If you keep being afraid to get off that bloody fence, you are going nowhere in life.  You will be stuck there either alone or with the other fools that haven't got the courage to get off the fence.  You won't get to that destination of a happy marriage which is on the other side of the field if you keep sitting there doing bugger all. You will be left behind.

(2) SHE NEEDS TO BE KNOWN

For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

(3) SHE NEEDS TO BE RESPECTED

Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. Don't make the decisions yourself - your marriage is a team - 50:50 take it or leave it.  Should you make the decisions yourself, regardless of what your wife thinks, you are QUICKLY TEARING DOWN A WOMAN'S SENSE OF SELF AND RUINING ANY POSSIBILITY OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE. You should be building your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things - not taking her self-esteem away. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.

(4) SHE NEEDS ROMANCE

Let me give you my scenario.  It was a tough year for me.  I got married, had to deal with my husband's overbearing domineering friends and sister who felt they knew better than me for what we wanted for our wedding.  They never listened. They all did what they wanted to do.  My soon to be in-laws were staying in our house where were got married.  Our bedroom was above my father-in-laws bedroom. We couldn't even consumate our marriage on the wedding night/morning because my father-in-law was downstairs.  We didn't go on a honeymoon, even though I had planned and booked out two weeks after the wedding from work. Why? Because my husband spent all his money on a lighting system that never worked and wasn't even budgeted for.  My father died.  Letters sent to my estranged mother were getting sent back to me REFUSED BY ADDRESSEE. I had my OCD sister-in-law telling me what we should be doing and the little jibes here and there.  I hadn't had a holiday for a year and a half by this point. I kept asking my husband to set  a date for a holiday but it never happened.  Come November, 5 months later, my head went BOOMPH.  I couldn't think.  Not the best when you are a self-employed creative.  I had to be able to think, get my brain working. I couldn't take a holiday because by that point I was struggling with bills and when you are self-employed, there is no sick leave - you have no option but to keep working to get those bills paid. I ended up suffering from panic attacks and chronic anxiety with a brain which was as worthless as a out-of-date Poundland voucher spun in the washing machine on full-speed.


My husband goes away one day and says to me, 'I may get you a surprise'. I thought the surprise would be something romantic - something to cheer me up. What did he get me? A vibrator. What did I do? I cried. At that moment, my self-esteem took a rock bottom and any confidence I had within myself was totally stripped away.

I found the gift OFFENSIVE. I became REALLY ANGRY. I chucked it in the bin. To me a gift is something that signifies how someone cares and listens to you. You don't give someone you love a vibrator when they are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 6 months later when the subject came up in a big fight, he twisted the whole story round and claimed I asked him to buy me a vibrator so he could make himself look like the good guy. I blew my fuse at that point and got so angry becase he was now trying to gaslight me and manipulate and construe things because he couldn't take responsibility for his own actions. Two months of marriage counselling and I took the rolling pin and smashed the photo first taken of us a year into our relationship. I whacked it so hard.  All the glass kept shattering in smaller and smaller pieces.  That was my heart. That was my soul. That was my self-esteem. That was my confidence. That was our marriage. A zillion pieces of fucking broken glass.

Not once has he told me to glam myself up because we are going out for dinner - just the two of us. The last time that happened was three years ago. Dinner is always at home.  I thought I would put some spice back in the marriage and buy some nice lingerie and make a romantic evening.  That lasted 5 times. I constantly put the effort of romance in and all he cared about was his fucking rotavator. He thinks romance is sticking his hands down my pants and giving my bum a squeeze. He thinks, I'll roll over at his beck and call every time he wants some action.  But there is no romance. How do I feel? Well I'll tell you how I feel.  Caught him looking at porn - inflatable boobies, teenage fannies - you name it, he had it.  At that point, I felt like a piece of shit. I felt like a piece of rotten meat.  I am now sleeping in the separate bedroom.  The thought of making love revolts me. Over the past 7 years I put so much effort into the relationship. Buying my husband surprise gifts. Holding a 40th birthday party for him. Holding surprise birthday parties for him.  Doing everything to make him feel special.  In the end, I've given up. I'm exhausted.  I now just feel fucking numb. 

A wife needs to be romanced. She wants to be wined and dined by her husband - take her out, MOST ESPECIALLY if she is working from home. Book a hotel room somewhere. YOUR WIFE WANTS TO FEEL SEXY. SHE WANTS TO LAUGH. SHE WANTS TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL. SHE WANT S TO FEEL SPECIAL. Wining and dining by your in-laws or with friends DOES NOT COUNT. I feel the need to pop a valium now if I have to see his sister so much so that I don't go to any family functions anymore; she's like a materialistic, rabid infested squirrel - quite bitter and lacks substance. Her other half complains his sticky toffee pudding is too sticky. They complain about fucking everything. Last dinner, I was informed that at my age I was at a huge rish of having a baby with Downs Syndrome.  I'm only 37 and quite frankly I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. I don't need valium - I need a tazer gun. I've had to listen to her partner complaining how he won't drink out of a glass that is handwashed because it will taste of fairy liquid. That the dishes need to be cleaned in the dishwasher to be squeeky clean and that he can't eat off a plate that has a dishwasher mark on it - this is Christmas Dinner. I've had to sit through dinners out where they complain that the wine is not good enough and send it back and order a more expensive bottle even though it is not them that is paying the meal. That their steak is never cooked to how they like it and they constantly send things back. That there is - god forbid a - one minute fruit fly buzzin about in a huge restaurant. Have they ever considered that perhaps that fly is buzzing around them and won't go because they are so full of shit? I'm surprised that there are not more buzzing around their heads. Should I ever have the 'pleasure' of seeing them face-to-face again, and they complain about something, I will be carrying a Pot Noodle in my bag and will prompty give it to them and tell them to eat that and if they don't like it write to Golden Wonder. They are just plain rude. They even asked how much money we got from our wedding. Who the fuck asks such a thing? We asked for trees! Even then people say 'Oh no, you can't have trees'. Perfect. So next time they come round I will say - oh no, you have to eat the skin off your potato because god forbid I won't be peeling your potatoes for you. And oh no, I will not stick in an extra flat sheet on the bed for you just because you have to have a flatsheet underneath a gooedown duvet. And hey, oh no, our house is not a hotel at your beck and call. And take your plants that you feel you have to have a say as to where we plant them in our own home and shove it up your pipe of shame and smoke it. Oh, and by the way, we won't be inviting your friends who we don't know to our wedding who then complain that they got black paint on their kilt because they lent against the garden fence or send a thank you card after attending the wedding that has a Jehovah's Witness flyer in it with the words - you will go to hell because you are not a Jehovah Witness with a child kneeling at a grave. What the fuck? I'm sorry - are we not allowed to have a Humanist wedding next to a pond?

Husbands, make a fucking effort. Suprise her.  Take her out and treat her YOURSELF. Buying flowers reduced at the supermarket to 20p does not count.Getting her to fork out for the meal - DOES NOT COUNT. Asking her to split the share of the meal 50:50 DOES NOT COUNT.

(5) SHE NEEDS TRUST AND HONESTY
Stable relationships are trusting relationships. You must have trust in relationships, especially your marriage. Where there is trust, there is love. YOU CANNOT HAVE TRUST FROM YOUR WIFE IF YOU DO NOT CHERISH AND RESPECT HER.

How can she trust you if you can't make her feel secure? How can she trust you if you manipulate her? How can she trust you if you don't honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights? How can she trust you if you constantly lie to her?  When it comes to deception, it takes very little to violate trust. Trust is a critical requirement for any relationship. We learn we can trust someone, and share our lives with them, because they do what they say they are going to do. We learn to trust someone because they say what they mean and mean what they say. They are trustworthy. Trust is the foundation that holds a marriage.

Honesty means that you tell the truth. You DO NOT LIE. You are ALWAYS  honest. Lie about anything or purposely leave things out and or purposely leave things out when discussing things or purposely make things vague and you will very quickly create very serious problems in your marriage. For instance, if you are not honest about where you go and with whom, your wife will start to think you are involved in something you shouldn’t be. Always be 100% up front with your wife.

Honesty does not stop there. An honest person is also honest with himself or herself. You have to be able to face the truth about your strengths and weaknesses. Being honest about your weaknesses requires a great deal of strength and character. It is never easy to admit that you have areas that need work.

Integrity is a key element of trust in a relationship. This means doing what you say you are going to do. Not construing things. Being clear, direct, open and honest. Part of integrity is dependability. Can your wife depend on you? If you commit to do something, do you follow through?

Trust in relationships should be MOTIVATED BY LOVE. You should want to be honest and trust worthy because you do not want to hurt your wife. If you are not honest you will break her trust. You don't love her.  No matter how many times you say you do, YOU DON'T. Stop saying it.  It's your actions not the words that count. Demonstrating your trust worthiness is an outward reflection of the love and commitment you feel towards your wife.

So when you promise to be faithful, then do not put yourself in a position where you may cheat - either emotionally, physically or visually.

If you lie to your wife, it's because you have something to hide. It's because you feel you can and you feel you can get away with it. Full stop. You lie to protect your interests and have little care about your wife's feelings. You generally believe you won’t get caught, and therefore continue to lie, digging yourself a bigger and bigger hole.  Your wife will eventually catch you out, set a firm boundary and eventually, most probably, if you keep lying, tell you to get the fuck out of her life. The first time, she might take you but the next time - your gone.   Your actions are both INTOLERABLE, SELFISH and DESTRUCTIVE.

DO NOT LIE.  It shows a deficit of conscience which allows yourself to justify your behavior and even manipulate the problem so that you, yourself , are somehow the victim and it's the wife that is the root of all problems.  Your wife will start to feel like she is going crazy with all your crazy making. Liars turn the tables on others, making themselves look good and others look bad. They resist being held accountable for their behavior. They take no responsibility for their actions. They gaslight and construe things.  To sum it up, if you lie to your wife and think you can constantly get away with it, you have just proved yourself to be a FUCKING ARSEHOLE and a WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.  Congratulations. Don't like being called a piece of shit? Don't like being called an arsehole? THEN DON'T LIE.

You don't deserve to be married if YOU LIE TO AND DECEIVE your wife. You shouldn't be married if YOU LIE TO AND DECEIVE your wife. Your wife will eventually blow her top off, scream at the top of her lungs and go tell you to fuck yourself.  Surprised? It's called Karma. Step on your wife and in the next life, you'll come back a cockroach and she'll come back with her Christian Loubiton 6 inch heels.  Squash. All you deserve is having the honour of your dick placed in a guillotine and chopped off.  HIIIIIII-YYYYYAAAAAA.  Bye! Bye!

Want to be a man. Want to keep those balls?   DON'T LIE OR TRY TO DECEIVE YOUR WIFE.

RIP

My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. She taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.

All I am I owe to my mother - I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.  She taught me humility. She taught me independence. She taught me common sense. She taught me that you only become a victim if you allow yourself to become one.  There were no frills with her and she didn't try to appease me - she was always brutally blunt and said it like it was - one ram to the other.  And yes, how our horns would clash, but how it made making up even better.

Rest in peace father - I wish you well.  You made your life, chose your path and lived the life you created.  But, you will never be able to destroy that love between us, mother and daughter, no matter how hard you try. I let go of you along time ago, so please do the same for me now.

God - what a week... month... year... my head hurts.

I have spent the last hour reading quotes on kindness - why? Well, yesterday I had an indepth discussion with a friend about life - what she was going to through and realising jesus - there are some people in this world that only care about themselves and making themselves happy.

The story - this friend has been in a relationship for almost 10 years - her partner is also a friend. What I thought was a loving relationship turns out to be a complicated one and I was flabbergasted that her partner not only cheated once on her but was sending intimate text messages to an acquaintance who has recently got married - all news to me. This acquaintance's husband needless to say found out about them and now refuses to speak to her partner (they were once friends).

WANKERS

I am at whits ends - my nerves are completely short from lack of sleep. Why? Because my partner is wanking himself silly each night beside me whilst he thinks I'm asleep. And he trys to muffle his heavy breathing with snores and then trys to cover up his motions by saying he thinks he has carpal tunnel syndrome. What?! Perhaps you should stop wanking then. First time, he says he can't control what he does because he's asleep - yeh right - I'm supposed to believe that one. Then he says why didn't I say anything at the time. Well perhaps at the time I was so angry and up to my wits end that I would of punched him the face then politely say 'Excuse me - would you like a hand with that'. Now he is totally denying it and saying - how do you know I was awake and wanking - did you see my eyes open? Well perhaps I should fucking well put some night visions goggles on in bed then and take a fucking photo then should I.

I just have four words to describe how I feel about him - HE'S A FUCKING WANKER.

Never trust a woman - nor your man

I can never understand woman. I am one of them and I still can't understand them. The majority of my mates are gay or men - not in a sexual sense of course - I'm not the type that reals in male attention - just that men have a logical view of thinking whereas women are, Jesus Christ, right bitches.

Oh yes - don't get me wrong - even I can be a right bitch sometimes - but that generally comes when another woman tries to ruffle me in the first instance. I'm an aries and by heck if someone makes me angry I charge. I'm also a hot blooded dragon born on a Tuesday. So I can contain my anger to a suitable extent but when it starts bubbling away I become a volcano.

The reason I am writing this post is this. I have been in a loving relationship for the last three years. In the last year and a half I have noticed a number of things that get filed away in my digital filing cupboard that looks like tripe - my brain, and slowly things have accumulated.

The situation is this. my boyfriends friends are lovely - albeit we all have different tastes and different strokes for different folks, however they are all lovely people. I would like to think that they are happy that we are together however something in the back of my head makes me think they are not - that they wish he was with someone else.

Take one good and best friend - female. Also has another best friend - female and a year and a half ago turned single. A lovely person but over the last year and a half I have come to question her true motives. A year and a half my boyfriend had a birthday and he decided he would also like to invite this girl along. Ok no problemo but it was like he was asking me permission to invite her - strange - sort of filed that in my head. Then his best friend came round and started talking about this girl all the time. When she went away and she was looking after the house she mentioned that her Dad took a fancy to her her. When this girl was having a wee bit of a romance with someone the best friend came round with cake to tell him the details. My gut instinct was starting to say here - hold on matey are we trying to start a connection here or has a connection here already started? Suddenly my boyfriend came home one night and started telling me how now that she's reaching 40 she is feeling quite conscious of having to compete with other woman to get a man and how she lost half a stone through doing yoga twice a day and looks fantastic and how she is interested in taking up life drawing classes with him.

The crunch came when one evening, we were making love, he groaned this woman's name out - at first I was thinking - whose Jin? Then the bullet hit.

At a party at a studio opening she spent most the evening talking to him. I thought at first ok - let them talk, let's do the wonder and speak to people. When I came back - they were still talking. At the end of the evening when they said their goodbyes she said - oh I'll give you a text about - turned to face me then abrubtly stopped. Then said - someone's name. Hrmm.... What were you going to say that made you stop when you noticed I was listening??? That sort of pissed me off - it was like they were talking about their little secret about something. I let my boyfriend know that I pissed off about it the next day on the train.

Then my boyfriend's sister and her boyfriend came to stay for the weekend. After dinner the boys stayed in the kitchen to drink a few whiskies and us ladies departed to the living room for a girl chat. His sister went back to the kitchen and I following a bit later behind to here his sister's boyfriend saying to her ' Don't talk about [girl's name]'. I came into the kitchen and jokingly said - what's this about Gin? - (as Gin sounded like the woman's name in question).

Then we booked a skiing holiday. Ok - it was only going to be four of us - us and another couple. Four turned to 8 then he said one day - he was wanting to invite her skiing as well. What could I say??? Then he had an exhibition (he's an artist) - and he said he was thinking of inviting a, b, c and d but never mentioned her name. However he then said - is there anyone else you think I should invite. Are you playing games with me here mister? Are you wanting me to suggest her - like I suggested it?? OK volcanic eruption now really taking form here - give me a rolling pin so I can whack you over the head with it. How stupid do you think I am??? I said no - don't think so but mentioned someone else's name. Again he said was there anyone else that I thought he should invite - I just went - nope don't think so - do you?? You want to play games - cool - then I will play the game of forgetfulness here.

You know what I am actually really pissed off now - I am litterly shaking at the keyboard and feel really sick here. I thought writing this down would be a good way of venting out my frustratin here but by heck I am really flippin angry. No more.

Why settle for second best?

I've just to come to the consensus that I hate men. Why on earth were they created? They are just total mind fucks. I really wish I was a lesbian - life would be so much easier. Actually now to come to think of it I wish I was a nun. God, the life of nun. Celibate for life - no seeing your boyfriend look at another woman in that way that you just know. You know - you just know. Not having to feel like you have to splurge another couple of grand on a new wardrobe which in 6 month's time is going to go out of fashion, or quite frankly, won't fit over your thighs, because your deepest and dearest says to you, 'I love you just the way you are', and then tries to stuff even more cream in your mouth. DON'T BELIEVE HIM. He doesn't care because he can't wait to leave that kitchen table, to lock himself in his man cupboard to look at those big tits shaking and those tight bald fannies jiggling and believe me, they ain't yours - nope - they come courtesy of the internet whilst they hide in their cupboards pretending to learn more about the global financial crisis. More like the global financial cries arse.

And then why do men deny it or try or try and cover it up? It's written all over their face - their actions.

Yes life would be much better if it were celibate. I mean men and their fuck wit fantasies - who needs them? They get you pregnant. They trade you in for a younger model when they reach mid-life crisis - and as my mother used to say, 'a man doesn't like the older model who becomes dry and crusty, they want tight and moist'. I mean use this analogy - why would you want a piece of stale, dry and crusty bread when you can have some fresh straight out of the oven?

See, this is the thing about a fantasy - it is this thing that a man truly wants, not a fantasy.

The definition of fantasy:

fan⋅ta⋅sy 
–noun
1. imagination, esp. when extravagant and unrestrained.
2. the forming of mental images, esp. wondrous or strange fancies; imaginative conceptualizing.
3. a mental image, esp. when unreal or fantastic; vision: a nightmare fantasy.
4. Psychology. an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.
5. hallucination.
6.a supposition based on no solid foundation; visionary idea; illusion: dreams of Utopias and similar fantasies.
7.caprice; whim.
8.an ingenious or fanciful thought, design, or invention.
9.Also, fantasia. Literature. an imaginative or fanciful work, esp. one dealing with supernatural or unnatural events or characters: The stories of Poe are fantasies of horror.
10.Music. fantasia (def. 1).

So if we relate, pyscologically wise, fantasy to men, it is, in essence, filling their psycological need. So in fact, fantasy will never just stay a fantasy; if a man has the opportunity to fullfil it, by heck - he's going to do it and then fantasy will come reality - whether its with you or without you.

So all the words of 'I love you' or this is the best one 'you're the one that he comes home to in the end' well quite frankly dear - FUCK OFF. Excuse my language but those two words are the best and most efficient way to say toodle doo, chop chop, away you go, in one quick breath. Why waste your time ranting and raving?

I don't want to be the second best of the one he comes home to in the end when during the evening he's frolicking with whoever he wants. Why would I want to put myself in that position? Tell me, let's reverse the roles - ok men, how many of YOU would be happy with your lady frolicking left, right and centre but feel ok, because in the end of the night, she will always come back to you. By heck? DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE MAY HAVE BEEN? Excuse me - are you a dwarf (well unless that is your fantasy perhaps)? Why settle by putting yourself as second best?

So gals. I think we need to take a stand. Next time your guy tries and probes you for anal sex, to fulfill his fantasy then agree, however strap on that dildo and make HIM be on the RECEIVING end or why not stick the rolling pin down his arse? Next time a guy wants a threesome - agree - but make it TWO MEN (straight of course we don't want to make this easy for them) and ONE WOMAN (please note, that they may try and plead that a lesbian counts as a man - this is not allowed). Stop waking up and being kept awake by him masterbating in bed whilst he pretends to cover it Get your rampant rabbit out and snore yourself like a hooter, BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES INVOLVE HIM.

I rest my case.

Ex's

I appear to be writing on my blog every 3 months - probably even more but whatever.

I felt drawn to write today as something is really bothering me - at that is the subject of ex's - and the reason is this.

Every relationship I seem to get into (well the good ones that is) there always seems to be an ex that pops back into the scenario.

Example No. 1: James from Glasgow
James was a guy who was doing a PhD at the Welcome in Glasgow Uni. When we met - he left his PhD - well had dropped - that was before we met. He got married to a gal in Glasgow and well they separated. Any how we met on the internet. All was going well until the ex came back into the pic - apparently she wanted him back and well he went back.

Example No. 2 David from Glasgow
David was programmer originally from Forres. We also met on the internet. David had broken up with his ex Fran 6 months prior to us meeting - they had been together for 6 years and were living together. He had a nervous breakdown because he tended to work too hard and she ditched him. So everything was going swell - he seemed so lovely and romantic and I fell hard - he asked me to marry him two weeks later. I remember when we went to go so some friends of mine in London and he mouthed the words 'I love you' to me. I couldn't understand what he was saying and sort of translated them as 'I need a poo'. Anyway - we moved into together and low and behodl his ex split with her fella and wanted David back. And low and behold everything fell apart. Needless to say he went out one night and slept with her, came back and told me. I told him that was that and I was moving out. He later asked me to go back out with him when I came back to pick some stuff from his flat. He then also came round the pub where I was working one night to see me. But if a guy can cheat on you once, well he could do it again. And yet again there was three in the relationship.

Example No. 3
Richy from Glasgow
Richy had a ex girlfriend from a while back who turned her head back in the pub one night and I guess that she as well wanted him back. Boy did she pretend to be my best friend and then one night I saw the light when she snorted a whole lot of charlie. Charlie tends to show the truthful side of persons personalities.

Example No. 4
My current boyfriend's ex has now decided to pop her lovely face back into the scene. Quite frankly I am tired of all this palava. I love my boyfriend to bits and would do anything for him however where there are ex's are concerned well that is a different story. His ex had basically cheated on my boyfriend whils they were going out (they were going out with each other for 6 years and living together) and one night came home and said she didn't love him anymore and had met someone else (also called Steve) - well this year - her and Steve were spose to get married and guess what - it never happened. So she decided to move from Dundee to Musselbourough which is a 15 min drive from Edinburgh. She kept phoning him when we were away for the weekend. He was so lovely and surprised me and was so romantic. Then he mentioned that her sister and herself were wanting to go out with us for lunch. Sorry??? You want me to go out to lunch with your ex? NO. Well I didn't verbally say no, I sort of went silent and probably my face said it all. That night I had a horrible dream that my boyfriend was being flirtatous with anothe woman right infront of my face and started snogging her and I sort of lost my temper and threw a glass of red wine at him. We argued like fuck. I woke up to find myself all short breathed and cold sweats. Why - because in reality we never had an argument in our life. This week I have become ratty and short tempered and I have realised why I have become so short tempered. I am worried that maybe just my boyfriend will want to get back with his ex.

Now sitting her and typing I have realised that in this dream I have imalganated past episodes of my life. With James, I calmly wrote an email saying that we were not meant to be. With David, I came home to find out that he was not being straight with me and threw a glass of red wine at him. With Richy - well Richy was always one for the ladies and wouldn't care displaying this infront of my face.

I am in fear of the ex. I am in fear that I will never overcome this fear. I am in fear that this fear will take away the person I love and care the most in my life.

Lies make you ill

Someone once told me I thought too much and that's not a good thing. Well - it's always better to think too much then to think to little - that's what I say. If you don't think something through properly and work things out then they won't work out and you'll be hitting your head against a brick wall.

So the dilemma today is this - it's been a dilemma for a long time but I've got to the stage that I'm sick of the whole lot. Absolutely sick of it. What is it? Well - it's this - I'm going out with someone that I love to bits - however rather than to be able to prance about to the whole world and shout out I have to be careful about who I say what to because it could cause 'certain complications'. This has led to going on holiday and not being able to say - I'm going with my boyfriend skiing or with my boyfriend to Tobago. I have got to the point where I have to figure out a fake destination to go on holiday. It's bloody ridiculous.

My mother always told me that if you lie, you'll end up digging yourself a big whole. It is better to tell the truth even if it makes digging a small hole for yourself because that hole is not going to be as big as the one that you would create if you lie. When you lie you make yourself ill.

Well - I've got to the point that to heck with it. Who cares whether I am going out with my boyfriend. Why would that be a problem? What is the problem? At first I thought that perhaps it was better to keep things quiet because I didn't want any aggrevation from my boss asking me questions about my boyfriend who is off work due to a bad back brought on by RSI. Now it's got to the point that thinking about it - what does my boss care whether I'm going out with him or not? Why would he care? So why everything hush hush. No more.

So now the pact as follows - I'm stressin myself out and making a problem out of something which shouldn't be a problem.

Well the swelling went down after the weeks dosage of antibiotics - I didn't say anything to anyone as I didn't want to scare anyone.

I went to the doctor a week and a half later to check everything was ok - it wasn't - she still felta lump of hard tissue in my right breast which didn't exist in my left. She told me not to worry, the infection probably wasn't cleared or it could be something that I have had all my lif. Never the less, she wanted to get it checked out and referred me to a specialist.

The letter came in the post today for an appointment on 02 July. I've not told anyone - but I'm wishing the appointment would come sooner as I want to get this done and over with. I try not to think about it - better to worry when the time comes I keep thinking - but it is lying right at there in my head all the time. It is scaring me because I feel so tired now - tired all the time - like life has been sucked out of me.

I just so wish I had my mum with me now. I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends as I don't want to tie them down. I just feel so empty and lonely at the moment. I guess the only real preson I could ever talk things with was my mother but that's impossible at this moment of time.

Invincible

You always think that you are invincible - well I always think so. Never had a cold or flu in the last year and a half where as everyone else at work has had at least 8 episodes during this period.

And when sore breasts always come about it's normally put down to the time of the month - until last week. Last Thursday night, me, the one that never gets headaches or migraines got a really bad migraine in front of the comp whilst working late one night. When I got home it was so bad that I borrow 1g painkiller tablets from my flatmate. When I got to bed, I felt a hard rock in my right breast. Not only was it so sore, but the whole right side of my right breast was rock solid - I could feel a solid lump lead from my armpit to my nipple.

The next morning I called the doctor but couldn't get an appointment until the Thurs. So I got home, the breast was worse and was so hot to touch. Went to my boyfriends to help him move house - had four beers and woke up the next morning to a still rock solid breast, a thumping headache and, when I got to the shower, a hugh rash had developed over my right breast where the lump occurred.

On Monday, I phoned the doctor and managed to get an emergency appointment. Turns out I had a breast infection where, because I was working so hard, my body was getting worn down and my immune system became slightly ill. I had developed a either a cyst or had a blocked duct - either way I was prescribed antibiotics and told to come back in a weeks time.

Three days have gone past and my breast is not as swollen as it was and all the hard bits have gone away but there is still a lump there the size of a peanut within it's shell. I'nm hoping give anther three days and it will disappear. The doctor put me at ease however I am quite worried as I read on the internet that a breast infection (mastistis) can occur due to a cancerious or beign tumour developing. So here's hoping this is not the cause.

Time to Think - The Gruenthal Church

There is always a time, one in a while, where you will always have time to think, sit back and thank about the past. Sometimes, it's a bad thing - sometimes it's a good thing. I've always been one that doesn't want to dwell on the past - rather I want to make sense of it. Tonight was one of those times.

My parents marriage was one of great animosity - one that lasted over a good fifteen years of court battles and thousands and thousands of dollars. In the end, what became two people's distrust and hatred of each other (who at one time loved each other dearly) ended up in the death of their first born and many scars on their children.

My brother was the eldest of the family, born in Warsaw in 1954, I later found out he was conceived 6 months prior to the marriage of my parents. There are also three girls who were born later, making a total of 4 children, each of us being born 6 years apart.

The animosity of my parents divorce occured during the time I was conceived/born. As the youngest, I never actually remembered by father from an early age. I always remember my mother. It was later, when I first met my father the first time after 20 years, at the age of 22 that my sister told me my father thought I wasn't his and believed my mother was having an affair and refused paternity. When I look at myself in the mirror, the thought of this angers me as I, out of the three girls, could not be mistaken for being my fathers daughter. I have his long tongue, short leagues, and his chubby cheeks and, so my mother used to say, that same pouty expression when I was upset. I also know my mother isn't the kind of person who would have an affair. Funny that, he also said that she wanted me aborted. It's at that time it hit me - so many lies were hitting me in the face at 22 - expecting me to believe them.

My mother could be derogatory about my father, but only in an angry way - she was never malicious. She would call him a bastard in Polish and all the other names under the sun in Polish (so I would never understand them as young ladies never swore) but she was never malicious. With her, there were always true facts.

She dwelt on the past. Everywhere we went, boxes upon boxes of affidavits, papers and cititation outlining the bitter courtcases followed. Rather than reading the sunday papers on a Sunday or a fairytale book in bed, I was read affidavit upon affidavit. In a way, I was the only person my mother could talk to. I was her therapist.

I remember in 1984 coming home from school one winter when we were living on the farm in Furdale on the outskirts of Saskatoon. There was the long long lane which lead from a dirt road to the main gate of the farm -it was snowing quite hard. Coming down half way, a car was approaching me in the opposite direction. A young woman jumped out and screamed Laura, scared, I started to run in the opposite direction. The young woman was my eldest sister Vicky. She had told me that Jerry had died and that she came to tell Mom and she had collapsed in the bathroom and they had to call an ambulance. She was now concious. My mother was never the same again. She lost something after that.

I remember when I caught her crying a few weeks later and I ran up to her and tried to cheer her up by saying,' Don't cry Mummy - you still have me.' and she got angry and yelled at me and went into the other room. As a child, I didn't understand her grief. I guess no one can - no one can understand how a mother feels when her child dies before she does.

I never remember knowing my brother - in fact I don't remember him at all. During the acrimony he left his first year Uni studies in Veterinary Medicine and got involved with a sect known as the Gruenthal Church. He later built himself a log cabin in the forest in the Peace River Region of Alberta where he trapped fur. He got so engrossed by God that my mother tried to so hard to get him out of it. My father, on the otherhand was the one who encouraged him. He had told my mother he was living there to find God. He later died trying to find him.

It was the Gruenthal religion that also f*cked up my eldest sister Vicki. At the age of 17 she was quoting from the bible. At the age of 19 she married some monster from the same religion that treated her like a shit. At the age of 21 she saw sense and got herself out. I remember my mother following her one time, to the church in Cloverdale where she would go each night. There were Amens and Halleughahs flying left right and centre. A Roman Catholic Church had a sense of peace to it. This place had a sense of hostility. It was like a set of a horror film.

My mother followed her back to her basement flat where she was taking care of an old lady and begged and pleaded her to go to University, to leave the religion and make something of her life. And then a huge argument erupted. My sister started quoting from the bible and my mother got angry and harsh words were exchanged between each other. My mother stormed off with me in tow with my sister harassing her and shouting at her that she would go to hell as the bible said ' bla bla bla bla bla'.

By the age of 10, I not only did I know how to write an affidavit, I knew how to type one. I guess that's why I like Arthur Erickson so much as an architect. He was a Canadian architect who designed the Supreme Courts of British Columbia - what I would call 'home' when I was younger - we practicaly lived in those buildings.

I remember my mother saying to me before I was going off to Uni, that maybe she made a mistake, maybe I should have had contact with my father, maybe perhaps, that could pose an obstacle to how I went through life in the future. At that time, I thought maybe she was right. But, after meeting him and experiencing first hand the manipulation, how wrong she was.

So you may be asking me now why I'm writing this. Well, I had a moment to think tonight, and when I have a moment to think, I tend to think about the past. I looked up the Gruental Church and there really is not much about it on the web. However, there is plenty about the church in respect to one situation, where a young man who was a member of the church was diagnosed with bone cancer. His parents refused treatment as this was against the religion,insisting God would save him. The boy died. This is a religion who insists that all female members where skirts below the knee - no trousers are permitted. This is a reliogn that insists all female members get married at a young age and are not allowed the chance to educate themselves to male standards.

So this angers me. Why my father, an intelligent man, with a PhD in International Law, would not only introduce his children but encourage them to take part in such a religion. The more I think about it the more I become aware of how he would do whatever it took to hurt my mother, and what better way then by not only turning her children against her but also parading their dramatic demise infront of her. And no matter how hard she fought and how hard she tried, she was unable to stop it. There are no words to describe a person who is not only capable of doing this but is also aware of what he is doing.

Shower Gel

Ok - I am perplexed here - not being difficult or bitchy or natty - just perplexed. Here is a female in need of a male perspective point of view.

When a guy leaves his shower gel at your place - well - the first time he did it - I just left it. I have not used it but thought since there wasn't that much left - it might as well stay there so he could use it for the next time.

So a month passes and well I left my shower gel at his place. It got packed up and shifted back to mine twice.

So this time, another shower gel bottle has been left in my shower. Do I (a) leave it or (b) ship if off back to his?

I'm perplexed. Fuckin hell - it's only shower gel but it's making me head hurt!