My Dreams and Aspirations

 To have a very big family - 3 or more children. To have a house full of people and kids. To give birth to a child and love and nurture them whilst not be controlling in any way so they can find themselves and learn from experience themselves. To not stifle or suffocate them – to let them have their own voice, needs and space. To be there when they fall and still love them regardless. To bring them colour, humour, laughter and fun. To allow them to see all the rainbows of life that it can offer them. To be the best Mum possible. Not for me but for them. To have a family that doesn't feel the constant need to compete to gain attention. Who are not affixiated with materialism or money. Who appreciate the simple things in life. Who are able to understand others and empathesize with others not because it results in a personal gain. Who can walk down a street and speak to anyone and of anyone with respect and dignity regardless of their status, race, sexual preference, disability or gender. 

To be with a husband who loves me for me and supports my dreams and aspirations. Who doesn’t try and belittle me  or be in control every time an opportunity arises. Who doesn’t tell me to go watch a youtube video everytime I want to learn something new. To be someone who loves me. Who respects me. Who doesn’t expect a wife to cook, clean and give sex.  Who loves me and respects me as a friend, confident and lover. Who wants the best for me and wants me to do well. Who won’t hurt me. Someone who will fight for me. Just as I would do for them.

Perhaps life was not meant to be like this for me. 

A WIFE'S BASIC NEEDS IN MARRIAGE

I feel compelled to write a post specifically for men.

Dear Men,

It astounds me that a man always thinks with his who-haa rather than his brain. When one gets married, a husband promises to love, cherish and respect.  A wife promises that as well.  For those that do plan to get married, it is essential to remember the following about your wife:

Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, said, “Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not yet been able to answer the great question: What does a woman want?”
Well, Freud, may not have been able to identify the deepest needs of women, but modern research has. A wife’s most basic needs in marriage are:

(1) to be cherished;
(2) to be known and;
(3) to be respected.

(1) YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO BE CHERISHED

A wife needs to know that she is cherished.  No matter how many I love you's or flowers you buy, it doesn't matter because what she needs to know, is that SHE IS NUMERO UNO IN YOUR LIFE. Shall I say that again?

YOUR WIFE NEEDS TO KNOW AND FEEL THAT SHE IS NUMERO UNO IN YOUR LIFE

You are now a team - she is half of you. Not your sister. Not your best friend. Not your Dad. Not your lighting rig. Not your goddamn rotavator. Not your 20 year plan for the vege patch.  Not the 21 year old porn goddess with the inflatable boobies and g-string on the internet. If you have not made her your No. 1 then you shouldn't of got married - full bloody stop.

When your wife is satisfied in knowing that she takes first place in your life, when she knows she is the most important thing in the world to you, she will encourage you to do the things you enjoy. Just by saying, 'You are my everything', doesn't bloody count. It is your ACTIONS that count NOT YOUR WORDS. It is part of the mystery of marriage: When a woman is truly, genuinely cherished, she feels free to encourage her husband’s independence. She feels secure in her position of importance.

Husbands, you need to stick up for your wives. Not say, 'You are doing a great job doing that yourself'. For those wives that constantly do stick up for themselves to their husbands family, friends and acquaintances, it becomes exhausting.  The wife starts to feel that the husband doesn't believe in her. She doesn't feel cherished.  She doesn't feel respected. She has not married your overbearing, passive aggressive sister.  She has not married your father who keeps telling her she should be doing this and doing that.  She has married YOU so grow some balls and stand up for the god damn woman for once. You want to keep sitting on that god damn fence playing Mister Nice Guy to everyone?  Afraid of falling in the mud? Afraid of getting feet dirty?  Well be afraid.  If you keep being afraid to get off that bloody fence, you are going nowhere in life.  You will be stuck there either alone or with the other fools that haven't got the courage to get off the fence.  You won't get to that destination of a happy marriage which is on the other side of the field if you keep sitting there doing bugger all. You will be left behind.

(2) SHE NEEDS TO BE KNOWN

For a woman, being understood means having her feelings validated and accepted. That’s not as easy as it sounds. To meet your wife’s important need to be known, you need to actively listen to her, reflecting back to her what she is saying and feeling, and genuinely wanting to understand her. This point cannot be overemphasized: Women need to have their feelings validated and accepted. They need to have you see and experience the world the way they do, instead of explaining to them why they shouldn’t see it that way.

(3) SHE NEEDS TO BE RESPECTED

Men are usually quite unaware of how much women need to be respected. Why? Because when men are not respected they react very differently. A man who doesn’t feel respected, for example, is apt to become self-righteous and indignant. He feels even more worthy of respect when others don’t respect him. He may even give less until he gets what he feels he deserves.

Women operate differently—when they are not respected they feel insecure and lose their sense of self. That is why it is so vital for you to take special care of your partner’s need for respect.
There are a number of ways to show respect to your wife. To begin with, do not try to change or manipulate her, but rather, honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights.

Respecting your wife also mean including her in decisions. Don't make the decisions yourself - your marriage is a team - 50:50 take it or leave it.  Should you make the decisions yourself, regardless of what your wife thinks, you are QUICKLY TEARING DOWN A WOMAN'S SENSE OF SELF AND RUINING ANY POSSIBILITY OF A HAPPY MARRIAGE. You should be building your wife’s self-esteem and sense of security by asking for her input whenever you can, even on the small things - not taking her self-esteem away. When you make a decision that might affect her, say: “I’m thinking about.What do you think of that?” or “I’m thinking we should.What would you like?

Respect says, “I support you, you are valuable to me, and you don’t have to be any different from who you are.” In return for this respect a woman will be able to relax. She will not have a compulsive need to prove herself as an equal, but will automatically feel and be equal. What a wonderful way to live with a woman.

(4) SHE NEEDS ROMANCE

Let me give you my scenario.  It was a tough year for me.  I got married, had to deal with my husband's overbearing domineering friends and sister who felt they knew better than me for what we wanted for our wedding.  They never listened. They all did what they wanted to do.  My soon to be in-laws were staying in our house where were got married.  Our bedroom was above my father-in-laws bedroom. We couldn't even consumate our marriage on the wedding night/morning because my father-in-law was downstairs.  We didn't go on a honeymoon, even though I had planned and booked out two weeks after the wedding from work. Why? Because my husband spent all his money on a lighting system that never worked and wasn't even budgeted for.  My father died.  Letters sent to my estranged mother were getting sent back to me REFUSED BY ADDRESSEE. I had my OCD sister-in-law telling me what we should be doing and the little jibes here and there.  I hadn't had a holiday for a year and a half by this point. I kept asking my husband to set  a date for a holiday but it never happened.  Come November, 5 months later, my head went BOOMPH.  I couldn't think.  Not the best when you are a self-employed creative.  I had to be able to think, get my brain working. I couldn't take a holiday because by that point I was struggling with bills and when you are self-employed, there is no sick leave - you have no option but to keep working to get those bills paid. I ended up suffering from panic attacks and chronic anxiety with a brain which was as worthless as a out-of-date Poundland voucher spun in the washing machine on full-speed.


My husband goes away one day and says to me, 'I may get you a surprise'. I thought the surprise would be something romantic - something to cheer me up. What did he get me? A vibrator. What did I do? I cried. At that moment, my self-esteem took a rock bottom and any confidence I had within myself was totally stripped away.

I found the gift OFFENSIVE. I became REALLY ANGRY. I chucked it in the bin. To me a gift is something that signifies how someone cares and listens to you. You don't give someone you love a vibrator when they are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. 6 months later when the subject came up in a big fight, he twisted the whole story round and claimed I asked him to buy me a vibrator so he could make himself look like the good guy. I blew my fuse at that point and got so angry becase he was now trying to gaslight me and manipulate and construe things because he couldn't take responsibility for his own actions. Two months of marriage counselling and I took the rolling pin and smashed the photo first taken of us a year into our relationship. I whacked it so hard.  All the glass kept shattering in smaller and smaller pieces.  That was my heart. That was my soul. That was my self-esteem. That was my confidence. That was our marriage. A zillion pieces of fucking broken glass.

Not once has he told me to glam myself up because we are going out for dinner - just the two of us. The last time that happened was three years ago. Dinner is always at home.  I thought I would put some spice back in the marriage and buy some nice lingerie and make a romantic evening.  That lasted 5 times. I constantly put the effort of romance in and all he cared about was his fucking rotavator. He thinks romance is sticking his hands down my pants and giving my bum a squeeze. He thinks, I'll roll over at his beck and call every time he wants some action.  But there is no romance. How do I feel? Well I'll tell you how I feel.  Caught him looking at porn - inflatable boobies, teenage fannies - you name it, he had it.  At that point, I felt like a piece of shit. I felt like a piece of rotten meat.  I am now sleeping in the separate bedroom.  The thought of making love revolts me. Over the past 7 years I put so much effort into the relationship. Buying my husband surprise gifts. Holding a 40th birthday party for him. Holding surprise birthday parties for him.  Doing everything to make him feel special.  In the end, I've given up. I'm exhausted.  I now just feel fucking numb. 

A wife needs to be romanced. She wants to be wined and dined by her husband - take her out, MOST ESPECIALLY if she is working from home. Book a hotel room somewhere. YOUR WIFE WANTS TO FEEL SEXY. SHE WANTS TO LAUGH. SHE WANTS TO FEEL BEAUTIFUL. SHE WANT S TO FEEL SPECIAL. Wining and dining by your in-laws or with friends DOES NOT COUNT. I feel the need to pop a valium now if I have to see his sister so much so that I don't go to any family functions anymore; she's like a materialistic, rabid infested squirrel - quite bitter and lacks substance. Her other half complains his sticky toffee pudding is too sticky. They complain about fucking everything. Last dinner, I was informed that at my age I was at a huge rish of having a baby with Downs Syndrome.  I'm only 37 and quite frankly I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. I don't need valium - I need a tazer gun. I've had to listen to her partner complaining how he won't drink out of a glass that is handwashed because it will taste of fairy liquid. That the dishes need to be cleaned in the dishwasher to be squeeky clean and that he can't eat off a plate that has a dishwasher mark on it - this is Christmas Dinner. I've had to sit through dinners out where they complain that the wine is not good enough and send it back and order a more expensive bottle even though it is not them that is paying the meal. That their steak is never cooked to how they like it and they constantly send things back. That there is - god forbid a - one minute fruit fly buzzin about in a huge restaurant. Have they ever considered that perhaps that fly is buzzing around them and won't go because they are so full of shit? I'm surprised that there are not more buzzing around their heads. Should I ever have the 'pleasure' of seeing them face-to-face again, and they complain about something, I will be carrying a Pot Noodle in my bag and will prompty give it to them and tell them to eat that and if they don't like it write to Golden Wonder. They are just plain rude. They even asked how much money we got from our wedding. Who the fuck asks such a thing? We asked for trees! Even then people say 'Oh no, you can't have trees'. Perfect. So next time they come round I will say - oh no, you have to eat the skin off your potato because god forbid I won't be peeling your potatoes for you. And oh no, I will not stick in an extra flat sheet on the bed for you just because you have to have a flatsheet underneath a gooedown duvet. And hey, oh no, our house is not a hotel at your beck and call. And take your plants that you feel you have to have a say as to where we plant them in our own home and shove it up your pipe of shame and smoke it. Oh, and by the way, we won't be inviting your friends who we don't know to our wedding who then complain that they got black paint on their kilt because they lent against the garden fence or send a thank you card after attending the wedding that has a Jehovah's Witness flyer in it with the words - you will go to hell because you are not a Jehovah Witness with a child kneeling at a grave. What the fuck? I'm sorry - are we not allowed to have a Humanist wedding next to a pond?

Husbands, make a fucking effort. Suprise her.  Take her out and treat her YOURSELF. Buying flowers reduced at the supermarket to 20p does not count.Getting her to fork out for the meal - DOES NOT COUNT. Asking her to split the share of the meal 50:50 DOES NOT COUNT.

(5) SHE NEEDS TRUST AND HONESTY
Stable relationships are trusting relationships. You must have trust in relationships, especially your marriage. Where there is trust, there is love. YOU CANNOT HAVE TRUST FROM YOUR WIFE IF YOU DO NOT CHERISH AND RESPECT HER.

How can she trust you if you can't make her feel secure? How can she trust you if you manipulate her? How can she trust you if you don't honor her needs, wishes, values, and rights? How can she trust you if you constantly lie to her?  When it comes to deception, it takes very little to violate trust. Trust is a critical requirement for any relationship. We learn we can trust someone, and share our lives with them, because they do what they say they are going to do. We learn to trust someone because they say what they mean and mean what they say. They are trustworthy. Trust is the foundation that holds a marriage.

Honesty means that you tell the truth. You DO NOT LIE. You are ALWAYS  honest. Lie about anything or purposely leave things out and or purposely leave things out when discussing things or purposely make things vague and you will very quickly create very serious problems in your marriage. For instance, if you are not honest about where you go and with whom, your wife will start to think you are involved in something you shouldn’t be. Always be 100% up front with your wife.

Honesty does not stop there. An honest person is also honest with himself or herself. You have to be able to face the truth about your strengths and weaknesses. Being honest about your weaknesses requires a great deal of strength and character. It is never easy to admit that you have areas that need work.

Integrity is a key element of trust in a relationship. This means doing what you say you are going to do. Not construing things. Being clear, direct, open and honest. Part of integrity is dependability. Can your wife depend on you? If you commit to do something, do you follow through?

Trust in relationships should be MOTIVATED BY LOVE. You should want to be honest and trust worthy because you do not want to hurt your wife. If you are not honest you will break her trust. You don't love her.  No matter how many times you say you do, YOU DON'T. Stop saying it.  It's your actions not the words that count. Demonstrating your trust worthiness is an outward reflection of the love and commitment you feel towards your wife.

So when you promise to be faithful, then do not put yourself in a position where you may cheat - either emotionally, physically or visually.

If you lie to your wife, it's because you have something to hide. It's because you feel you can and you feel you can get away with it. Full stop. You lie to protect your interests and have little care about your wife's feelings. You generally believe you won’t get caught, and therefore continue to lie, digging yourself a bigger and bigger hole.  Your wife will eventually catch you out, set a firm boundary and eventually, most probably, if you keep lying, tell you to get the fuck out of her life. The first time, she might take you but the next time - your gone.   Your actions are both INTOLERABLE, SELFISH and DESTRUCTIVE.

DO NOT LIE.  It shows a deficit of conscience which allows yourself to justify your behavior and even manipulate the problem so that you, yourself , are somehow the victim and it's the wife that is the root of all problems.  Your wife will start to feel like she is going crazy with all your crazy making. Liars turn the tables on others, making themselves look good and others look bad. They resist being held accountable for their behavior. They take no responsibility for their actions. They gaslight and construe things.  To sum it up, if you lie to your wife and think you can constantly get away with it, you have just proved yourself to be a FUCKING ARSEHOLE and a WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT.  Congratulations. Don't like being called a piece of shit? Don't like being called an arsehole? THEN DON'T LIE.

You don't deserve to be married if YOU LIE TO AND DECEIVE your wife. You shouldn't be married if YOU LIE TO AND DECEIVE your wife. Your wife will eventually blow her top off, scream at the top of her lungs and go tell you to fuck yourself.  Surprised? It's called Karma. Step on your wife and in the next life, you'll come back a cockroach and she'll come back with her Christian Loubiton 6 inch heels.  Squash. All you deserve is having the honour of your dick placed in a guillotine and chopped off.  HIIIIIII-YYYYYAAAAAA.  Bye! Bye!

Want to be a man. Want to keep those balls?   DON'T LIE OR TRY TO DECEIVE YOUR WIFE.

RIP

My mother protected me from the world and my father threatened me with it. She taught me about the power of inspiration and courage, and she did it with a strength and a passion that I wish could be bottled.

All I am I owe to my mother - I attribute my success in life to the moral, intellectual and physical education I received from her.  She taught me humility. She taught me independence. She taught me common sense. She taught me that you only become a victim if you allow yourself to become one.  There were no frills with her and she didn't try to appease me - she was always brutally blunt and said it like it was - one ram to the other.  And yes, how our horns would clash, but how it made making up even better.

Rest in peace father - I wish you well.  You made your life, chose your path and lived the life you created.  But, you will never be able to destroy that love between us, mother and daughter, no matter how hard you try. I let go of you along time ago, so please do the same for me now.

God - what a week... month... year... my head hurts.

I have spent the last hour reading quotes on kindness - why? Well, yesterday I had an indepth discussion with a friend about life - what she was going to through and realising jesus - there are some people in this world that only care about themselves and making themselves happy.

The story - this friend has been in a relationship for almost 10 years - her partner is also a friend. What I thought was a loving relationship turns out to be a complicated one and I was flabbergasted that her partner not only cheated once on her but was sending intimate text messages to an acquaintance who has recently got married - all news to me. This acquaintance's husband needless to say found out about them and now refuses to speak to her partner (they were once friends).

WANKERS

I am at whits ends - my nerves are completely short from lack of sleep. Why? Because my partner is wanking himself silly each night beside me whilst he thinks I'm asleep. And he trys to muffle his heavy breathing with snores and then trys to cover up his motions by saying he thinks he has carpal tunnel syndrome. What?! Perhaps you should stop wanking then. First time, he says he can't control what he does because he's asleep - yeh right - I'm supposed to believe that one. Then he says why didn't I say anything at the time. Well perhaps at the time I was so angry and up to my wits end that I would of punched him the face then politely say 'Excuse me - would you like a hand with that'. Now he is totally denying it and saying - how do you know I was awake and wanking - did you see my eyes open? Well perhaps I should fucking well put some night visions goggles on in bed then and take a fucking photo then should I.

I just have four words to describe how I feel about him - HE'S A FUCKING WANKER.

Never trust a woman - nor your man

I can never understand woman. I am one of them and I still can't understand them. The majority of my mates are gay or men - not in a sexual sense of course - I'm not the type that reals in male attention - just that men have a logical view of thinking whereas women are, Jesus Christ, right bitches.

Oh yes - don't get me wrong - even I can be a right bitch sometimes - but that generally comes when another woman tries to ruffle me in the first instance. I'm an aries and by heck if someone makes me angry I charge. I'm also a hot blooded dragon born on a Tuesday. So I can contain my anger to a suitable extent but when it starts bubbling away I become a volcano.

The reason I am writing this post is this. I have been in a loving relationship for the last three years. In the last year and a half I have noticed a number of things that get filed away in my digital filing cupboard that looks like tripe - my brain, and slowly things have accumulated.

The situation is this. my boyfriends friends are lovely - albeit we all have different tastes and different strokes for different folks, however they are all lovely people. I would like to think that they are happy that we are together however something in the back of my head makes me think they are not - that they wish he was with someone else.

Take one good and best friend - female. Also has another best friend - female and a year and a half ago turned single. A lovely person but over the last year and a half I have come to question her true motives. A year and a half my boyfriend had a birthday and he decided he would also like to invite this girl along. Ok no problemo but it was like he was asking me permission to invite her - strange - sort of filed that in my head. Then his best friend came round and started talking about this girl all the time. When she went away and she was looking after the house she mentioned that her Dad took a fancy to her her. When this girl was having a wee bit of a romance with someone the best friend came round with cake to tell him the details. My gut instinct was starting to say here - hold on matey are we trying to start a connection here or has a connection here already started? Suddenly my boyfriend came home one night and started telling me how now that she's reaching 40 she is feeling quite conscious of having to compete with other woman to get a man and how she lost half a stone through doing yoga twice a day and looks fantastic and how she is interested in taking up life drawing classes with him.

The crunch came when one evening, we were making love, he groaned this woman's name out - at first I was thinking - whose Jin? Then the bullet hit.

At a party at a studio opening she spent most the evening talking to him. I thought at first ok - let them talk, let's do the wonder and speak to people. When I came back - they were still talking. At the end of the evening when they said their goodbyes she said - oh I'll give you a text about - turned to face me then abrubtly stopped. Then said - someone's name. Hrmm.... What were you going to say that made you stop when you noticed I was listening??? That sort of pissed me off - it was like they were talking about their little secret about something. I let my boyfriend know that I pissed off about it the next day on the train.

Then my boyfriend's sister and her boyfriend came to stay for the weekend. After dinner the boys stayed in the kitchen to drink a few whiskies and us ladies departed to the living room for a girl chat. His sister went back to the kitchen and I following a bit later behind to here his sister's boyfriend saying to her ' Don't talk about [girl's name]'. I came into the kitchen and jokingly said - what's this about Gin? - (as Gin sounded like the woman's name in question).

Then we booked a skiing holiday. Ok - it was only going to be four of us - us and another couple. Four turned to 8 then he said one day - he was wanting to invite her skiing as well. What could I say??? Then he had an exhibition (he's an artist) - and he said he was thinking of inviting a, b, c and d but never mentioned her name. However he then said - is there anyone else you think I should invite. Are you playing games with me here mister? Are you wanting me to suggest her - like I suggested it?? OK volcanic eruption now really taking form here - give me a rolling pin so I can whack you over the head with it. How stupid do you think I am??? I said no - don't think so but mentioned someone else's name. Again he said was there anyone else that I thought he should invite - I just went - nope don't think so - do you?? You want to play games - cool - then I will play the game of forgetfulness here.

You know what I am actually really pissed off now - I am litterly shaking at the keyboard and feel really sick here. I thought writing this down would be a good way of venting out my frustratin here but by heck I am really flippin angry. No more.

Why settle for second best?

I've just to come to the consensus that I hate men. Why on earth were they created? They are just total mind fucks. I really wish I was a lesbian - life would be so much easier. Actually now to come to think of it I wish I was a nun. God, the life of nun. Celibate for life - no seeing your boyfriend look at another woman in that way that you just know. You know - you just know. Not having to feel like you have to splurge another couple of grand on a new wardrobe which in 6 month's time is going to go out of fashion, or quite frankly, won't fit over your thighs, because your deepest and dearest says to you, 'I love you just the way you are', and then tries to stuff even more cream in your mouth. DON'T BELIEVE HIM. He doesn't care because he can't wait to leave that kitchen table, to lock himself in his man cupboard to look at those big tits shaking and those tight bald fannies jiggling and believe me, they ain't yours - nope - they come courtesy of the internet whilst they hide in their cupboards pretending to learn more about the global financial crisis. More like the global financial cries arse.

And then why do men deny it or try or try and cover it up? It's written all over their face - their actions.

Yes life would be much better if it were celibate. I mean men and their fuck wit fantasies - who needs them? They get you pregnant. They trade you in for a younger model when they reach mid-life crisis - and as my mother used to say, 'a man doesn't like the older model who becomes dry and crusty, they want tight and moist'. I mean use this analogy - why would you want a piece of stale, dry and crusty bread when you can have some fresh straight out of the oven?

See, this is the thing about a fantasy - it is this thing that a man truly wants, not a fantasy.

The definition of fantasy:

fan⋅ta⋅sy 
–noun
1. imagination, esp. when extravagant and unrestrained.
2. the forming of mental images, esp. wondrous or strange fancies; imaginative conceptualizing.
3. a mental image, esp. when unreal or fantastic; vision: a nightmare fantasy.
4. Psychology. an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.
5. hallucination.
6.a supposition based on no solid foundation; visionary idea; illusion: dreams of Utopias and similar fantasies.
7.caprice; whim.
8.an ingenious or fanciful thought, design, or invention.
9.Also, fantasia. Literature. an imaginative or fanciful work, esp. one dealing with supernatural or unnatural events or characters: The stories of Poe are fantasies of horror.
10.Music. fantasia (def. 1).

So if we relate, pyscologically wise, fantasy to men, it is, in essence, filling their psycological need. So in fact, fantasy will never just stay a fantasy; if a man has the opportunity to fullfil it, by heck - he's going to do it and then fantasy will come reality - whether its with you or without you.

So all the words of 'I love you' or this is the best one 'you're the one that he comes home to in the end' well quite frankly dear - FUCK OFF. Excuse my language but those two words are the best and most efficient way to say toodle doo, chop chop, away you go, in one quick breath. Why waste your time ranting and raving?

I don't want to be the second best of the one he comes home to in the end when during the evening he's frolicking with whoever he wants. Why would I want to put myself in that position? Tell me, let's reverse the roles - ok men, how many of YOU would be happy with your lady frolicking left, right and centre but feel ok, because in the end of the night, she will always come back to you. By heck? DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE MAY HAVE BEEN? Excuse me - are you a dwarf (well unless that is your fantasy perhaps)? Why settle by putting yourself as second best?

So gals. I think we need to take a stand. Next time your guy tries and probes you for anal sex, to fulfill his fantasy then agree, however strap on that dildo and make HIM be on the RECEIVING end or why not stick the rolling pin down his arse? Next time a guy wants a threesome - agree - but make it TWO MEN (straight of course we don't want to make this easy for them) and ONE WOMAN (please note, that they may try and plead that a lesbian counts as a man - this is not allowed). Stop waking up and being kept awake by him masterbating in bed whilst he pretends to cover it Get your rampant rabbit out and snore yourself like a hooter, BUT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES INVOLVE HIM.

I rest my case.

Ex's

I appear to be writing on my blog every 3 months - probably even more but whatever.

I felt drawn to write today as something is really bothering me - at that is the subject of ex's - and the reason is this.

Every relationship I seem to get into (well the good ones that is) there always seems to be an ex that pops back into the scenario.

Example No. 1: James from Glasgow
James was a guy who was doing a PhD at the Welcome in Glasgow Uni. When we met - he left his PhD - well had dropped - that was before we met. He got married to a gal in Glasgow and well they separated. Any how we met on the internet. All was going well until the ex came back into the pic - apparently she wanted him back and well he went back.

Example No. 2 David from Glasgow
David was programmer originally from Forres. We also met on the internet. David had broken up with his ex Fran 6 months prior to us meeting - they had been together for 6 years and were living together. He had a nervous breakdown because he tended to work too hard and she ditched him. So everything was going swell - he seemed so lovely and romantic and I fell hard - he asked me to marry him two weeks later. I remember when we went to go so some friends of mine in London and he mouthed the words 'I love you' to me. I couldn't understand what he was saying and sort of translated them as 'I need a poo'. Anyway - we moved into together and low and behodl his ex split with her fella and wanted David back. And low and behold everything fell apart. Needless to say he went out one night and slept with her, came back and told me. I told him that was that and I was moving out. He later asked me to go back out with him when I came back to pick some stuff from his flat. He then also came round the pub where I was working one night to see me. But if a guy can cheat on you once, well he could do it again. And yet again there was three in the relationship.

Example No. 3
Richy from Glasgow
Richy had a ex girlfriend from a while back who turned her head back in the pub one night and I guess that she as well wanted him back. Boy did she pretend to be my best friend and then one night I saw the light when she snorted a whole lot of charlie. Charlie tends to show the truthful side of persons personalities.

Example No. 4
My current boyfriend's ex has now decided to pop her lovely face back into the scene. Quite frankly I am tired of all this palava. I love my boyfriend to bits and would do anything for him however where there are ex's are concerned well that is a different story. His ex had basically cheated on my boyfriend whils they were going out (they were going out with each other for 6 years and living together) and one night came home and said she didn't love him anymore and had met someone else (also called Steve) - well this year - her and Steve were spose to get married and guess what - it never happened. So she decided to move from Dundee to Musselbourough which is a 15 min drive from Edinburgh. She kept phoning him when we were away for the weekend. He was so lovely and surprised me and was so romantic. Then he mentioned that her sister and herself were wanting to go out with us for lunch. Sorry??? You want me to go out to lunch with your ex? NO. Well I didn't verbally say no, I sort of went silent and probably my face said it all. That night I had a horrible dream that my boyfriend was being flirtatous with anothe woman right infront of my face and started snogging her and I sort of lost my temper and threw a glass of red wine at him. We argued like fuck. I woke up to find myself all short breathed and cold sweats. Why - because in reality we never had an argument in our life. This week I have become ratty and short tempered and I have realised why I have become so short tempered. I am worried that maybe just my boyfriend will want to get back with his ex.

Now sitting her and typing I have realised that in this dream I have imalganated past episodes of my life. With James, I calmly wrote an email saying that we were not meant to be. With David, I came home to find out that he was not being straight with me and threw a glass of red wine at him. With Richy - well Richy was always one for the ladies and wouldn't care displaying this infront of my face.

I am in fear of the ex. I am in fear that I will never overcome this fear. I am in fear that this fear will take away the person I love and care the most in my life.

Lies make you ill

Someone once told me I thought too much and that's not a good thing. Well - it's always better to think too much then to think to little - that's what I say. If you don't think something through properly and work things out then they won't work out and you'll be hitting your head against a brick wall.

So the dilemma today is this - it's been a dilemma for a long time but I've got to the stage that I'm sick of the whole lot. Absolutely sick of it. What is it? Well - it's this - I'm going out with someone that I love to bits - however rather than to be able to prance about to the whole world and shout out I have to be careful about who I say what to because it could cause 'certain complications'. This has led to going on holiday and not being able to say - I'm going with my boyfriend skiing or with my boyfriend to Tobago. I have got to the point where I have to figure out a fake destination to go on holiday. It's bloody ridiculous.

My mother always told me that if you lie, you'll end up digging yourself a big whole. It is better to tell the truth even if it makes digging a small hole for yourself because that hole is not going to be as big as the one that you would create if you lie. When you lie you make yourself ill.

Well - I've got to the point that to heck with it. Who cares whether I am going out with my boyfriend. Why would that be a problem? What is the problem? At first I thought that perhaps it was better to keep things quiet because I didn't want any aggrevation from my boss asking me questions about my boyfriend who is off work due to a bad back brought on by RSI. Now it's got to the point that thinking about it - what does my boss care whether I'm going out with him or not? Why would he care? So why everything hush hush. No more.

So now the pact as follows - I'm stressin myself out and making a problem out of something which shouldn't be a problem.

Well the swelling went down after the weeks dosage of antibiotics - I didn't say anything to anyone as I didn't want to scare anyone.

I went to the doctor a week and a half later to check everything was ok - it wasn't - she still felta lump of hard tissue in my right breast which didn't exist in my left. She told me not to worry, the infection probably wasn't cleared or it could be something that I have had all my lif. Never the less, she wanted to get it checked out and referred me to a specialist.

The letter came in the post today for an appointment on 02 July. I've not told anyone - but I'm wishing the appointment would come sooner as I want to get this done and over with. I try not to think about it - better to worry when the time comes I keep thinking - but it is lying right at there in my head all the time. It is scaring me because I feel so tired now - tired all the time - like life has been sucked out of me.

I just so wish I had my mum with me now. I don't feel comfortable talking about it with my friends as I don't want to tie them down. I just feel so empty and lonely at the moment. I guess the only real preson I could ever talk things with was my mother but that's impossible at this moment of time.

Invincible

You always think that you are invincible - well I always think so. Never had a cold or flu in the last year and a half where as everyone else at work has had at least 8 episodes during this period.

And when sore breasts always come about it's normally put down to the time of the month - until last week. Last Thursday night, me, the one that never gets headaches or migraines got a really bad migraine in front of the comp whilst working late one night. When I got home it was so bad that I borrow 1g painkiller tablets from my flatmate. When I got to bed, I felt a hard rock in my right breast. Not only was it so sore, but the whole right side of my right breast was rock solid - I could feel a solid lump lead from my armpit to my nipple.

The next morning I called the doctor but couldn't get an appointment until the Thurs. So I got home, the breast was worse and was so hot to touch. Went to my boyfriends to help him move house - had four beers and woke up the next morning to a still rock solid breast, a thumping headache and, when I got to the shower, a hugh rash had developed over my right breast where the lump occurred.

On Monday, I phoned the doctor and managed to get an emergency appointment. Turns out I had a breast infection where, because I was working so hard, my body was getting worn down and my immune system became slightly ill. I had developed a either a cyst or had a blocked duct - either way I was prescribed antibiotics and told to come back in a weeks time.

Three days have gone past and my breast is not as swollen as it was and all the hard bits have gone away but there is still a lump there the size of a peanut within it's shell. I'nm hoping give anther three days and it will disappear. The doctor put me at ease however I am quite worried as I read on the internet that a breast infection (mastistis) can occur due to a cancerious or beign tumour developing. So here's hoping this is not the cause.

Time to Think - The Gruenthal Church

There is always a time, one in a while, where you will always have time to think, sit back and thank about the past. Sometimes, it's a bad thing - sometimes it's a good thing. I've always been one that doesn't want to dwell on the past - rather I want to make sense of it. Tonight was one of those times.

My parents marriage was one of great animosity - one that lasted over a good fifteen years of court battles and thousands and thousands of dollars. In the end, what became two people's distrust and hatred of each other (who at one time loved each other dearly) ended up in the death of their first born and many scars on their children.

My brother was the eldest of the family, born in Warsaw in 1954, I later found out he was conceived 6 months prior to the marriage of my parents. There are also three girls who were born later, making a total of 4 children, each of us being born 6 years apart.

The animosity of my parents divorce occured during the time I was conceived/born. As the youngest, I never actually remembered by father from an early age. I always remember my mother. It was later, when I first met my father the first time after 20 years, at the age of 22 that my sister told me my father thought I wasn't his and believed my mother was having an affair and refused paternity. When I look at myself in the mirror, the thought of this angers me as I, out of the three girls, could not be mistaken for being my fathers daughter. I have his long tongue, short leagues, and his chubby cheeks and, so my mother used to say, that same pouty expression when I was upset. I also know my mother isn't the kind of person who would have an affair. Funny that, he also said that she wanted me aborted. It's at that time it hit me - so many lies were hitting me in the face at 22 - expecting me to believe them.

My mother could be derogatory about my father, but only in an angry way - she was never malicious. She would call him a bastard in Polish and all the other names under the sun in Polish (so I would never understand them as young ladies never swore) but she was never malicious. With her, there were always true facts.

She dwelt on the past. Everywhere we went, boxes upon boxes of affidavits, papers and cititation outlining the bitter courtcases followed. Rather than reading the sunday papers on a Sunday or a fairytale book in bed, I was read affidavit upon affidavit. In a way, I was the only person my mother could talk to. I was her therapist.

I remember in 1984 coming home from school one winter when we were living on the farm in Furdale on the outskirts of Saskatoon. There was the long long lane which lead from a dirt road to the main gate of the farm -it was snowing quite hard. Coming down half way, a car was approaching me in the opposite direction. A young woman jumped out and screamed Laura, scared, I started to run in the opposite direction. The young woman was my eldest sister Vicky. She had told me that Jerry had died and that she came to tell Mom and she had collapsed in the bathroom and they had to call an ambulance. She was now concious. My mother was never the same again. She lost something after that.

I remember when I caught her crying a few weeks later and I ran up to her and tried to cheer her up by saying,' Don't cry Mummy - you still have me.' and she got angry and yelled at me and went into the other room. As a child, I didn't understand her grief. I guess no one can - no one can understand how a mother feels when her child dies before she does.

I never remember knowing my brother - in fact I don't remember him at all. During the acrimony he left his first year Uni studies in Veterinary Medicine and got involved with a sect known as the Gruenthal Church. He later built himself a log cabin in the forest in the Peace River Region of Alberta where he trapped fur. He got so engrossed by God that my mother tried to so hard to get him out of it. My father, on the otherhand was the one who encouraged him. He had told my mother he was living there to find God. He later died trying to find him.

It was the Gruenthal religion that also f*cked up my eldest sister Vicki. At the age of 17 she was quoting from the bible. At the age of 19 she married some monster from the same religion that treated her like a shit. At the age of 21 she saw sense and got herself out. I remember my mother following her one time, to the church in Cloverdale where she would go each night. There were Amens and Halleughahs flying left right and centre. A Roman Catholic Church had a sense of peace to it. This place had a sense of hostility. It was like a set of a horror film.

My mother followed her back to her basement flat where she was taking care of an old lady and begged and pleaded her to go to University, to leave the religion and make something of her life. And then a huge argument erupted. My sister started quoting from the bible and my mother got angry and harsh words were exchanged between each other. My mother stormed off with me in tow with my sister harassing her and shouting at her that she would go to hell as the bible said ' bla bla bla bla bla'.

By the age of 10, I not only did I know how to write an affidavit, I knew how to type one. I guess that's why I like Arthur Erickson so much as an architect. He was a Canadian architect who designed the Supreme Courts of British Columbia - what I would call 'home' when I was younger - we practicaly lived in those buildings.

I remember my mother saying to me before I was going off to Uni, that maybe she made a mistake, maybe I should have had contact with my father, maybe perhaps, that could pose an obstacle to how I went through life in the future. At that time, I thought maybe she was right. But, after meeting him and experiencing first hand the manipulation, how wrong she was.

So you may be asking me now why I'm writing this. Well, I had a moment to think tonight, and when I have a moment to think, I tend to think about the past. I looked up the Gruental Church and there really is not much about it on the web. However, there is plenty about the church in respect to one situation, where a young man who was a member of the church was diagnosed with bone cancer. His parents refused treatment as this was against the religion,insisting God would save him. The boy died. This is a religion who insists that all female members where skirts below the knee - no trousers are permitted. This is a reliogn that insists all female members get married at a young age and are not allowed the chance to educate themselves to male standards.

So this angers me. Why my father, an intelligent man, with a PhD in International Law, would not only introduce his children but encourage them to take part in such a religion. The more I think about it the more I become aware of how he would do whatever it took to hurt my mother, and what better way then by not only turning her children against her but also parading their dramatic demise infront of her. And no matter how hard she fought and how hard she tried, she was unable to stop it. There are no words to describe a person who is not only capable of doing this but is also aware of what he is doing.

Shower Gel

Ok - I am perplexed here - not being difficult or bitchy or natty - just perplexed. Here is a female in need of a male perspective point of view.

When a guy leaves his shower gel at your place - well - the first time he did it - I just left it. I have not used it but thought since there wasn't that much left - it might as well stay there so he could use it for the next time.

So a month passes and well I left my shower gel at his place. It got packed up and shifted back to mine twice.

So this time, another shower gel bottle has been left in my shower. Do I (a) leave it or (b) ship if off back to his?

I'm perplexed. Fuckin hell - it's only shower gel but it's making me head hurt!

When enough is enough

Well, it's been a while since I wrote something, but today I reached a limit where even I became highly aware was unusual for me.

Let me explain myself - there are normally three kinds of bosses you can get:

Boss No. 1: The incredibly easy going boss that is more like your mate than your boss!

Boss No. 2: The perfectionist boss - one that has high standards and can loose his temper from time to time because he is passionate about his work but one you highly respect, admire and look up to.

Boss No. 3: The complete impestious prick that feels that he has to keep everyone under his thumb and feels the only way to succeed is to exert his authority. He is one who you can't work with in a team, who you can't learn anything from, is completely useless of even doing basic tasks and is a complete arse wipe.

Well you see my current Boss is Boss No. 3. I can get quite passionate about my work and if I was to be a boss in the future it would perhaps be Boss No.2. However, today I reached the end of my tether with my boss. When I first came for the interview to work for him I was promised full training, a pay review after three months, and managementcontrol of my jobs and tasks.
To this day, I haven't seen anything. Full training - his idea of full training was to hand me a book, stick me a corner and ask me to read it for a day. It turned out he didn't even read the book himself. If he did, he would of found that it was utterly useless.

Pay rise? No review after 3 months ever came along. I accepted a decrease to my last job because I was promised full training. After 6 months, I was told that the firm was in tight finanial grips and therefore they could not increase my pay but would like to offer me a bonus to thank me for my work. My bonus? £250 which was also taxed and national insured. My bonus turned out to be a measly £100.

And control and management of my work? Well, that's not happened. Seems I do all the work but have no control. He likes to exert his control and likes to take all the credit.

My point being is that today finally reached my tether. You see, I have been designing something for a client which they have been more than happy with. We won the pitch to work with them last year and again, this year. However, last year we didn't make a profit. Why? Because this client in quesiton is a good friend of my boss and as such he feels they should get preferential treatment in comparison to our other clients.

e.g. Design Time of actual work costed for = 2 days
Design Time of actual work done to which the client loves = 1.5 days however....

I feel we should give our client an extra two days free as we spent 4 days last year and I don't want them to think we are not spending less time with them this year. I would like to give them a variety of options

So infact you are saying - let's spend two days of my time wasting it when it will be a waste time designing more stuff or do changes that the client will not be interested in . This wastes my time when quite in fact it could be used more wisely of things which are actually required.

So last week I spent my two days of design time -I was then made to spend an extra days work doing meaningless changes becuase he wanted to give the client a variety of options. It turns out that he didn't even bother sending through the variety options but one of each. So in fact the client didn't even get to see the variety of options. No only this, put when I asked him which option of each the client decided on, he point blankly lied to me and pretended to read aloud an email which was 'supposively' from the client, deciding on the options. How do I know this? well the pdf which was supposively received from the client was made on the 19th of April at 5:30 pm. This is exactly, 15 min after I gave my options to my boss. We never received an email from the client informing usof their decision until today (23 April 2007).

And that's what pissed me off. I wasted another day of work and was lied to. Normally, being quite a passionate person, I let it all bottle up and blow. This time however, I went past the point of blowing, I realised I was talking calmly and firmly to my boss without even shaking but in a very monotonous tone. I went beyond the point of loosing my cool and turned and walked away. I didn't even want to dignify his presence with a response.

So I came home today and decided then and there that enough was enough. Work is half your life. Work is about developing yourself and working as a team. This job was deevolving me and it is now time to get out.

Rabbits and Foxes

Oh - It's nice to feel sexy again. I've got the jump back into my hop - I'm starting to feel like my old self again! Hooray! I knew I was back in there somewhere!

I do have to say, that not being vain or self centred here - but posting that photograph on the dating sites - well it has done wonders to my confidence. For the past 6 years I was thinking - I'm not good enough, not fit enough, not smart enough - I began to doubt everything that was me. That was my own worst enemy - me. These last couple of weeks I began to realise I am a smart, sexy woman. I am something to be proud of. That feeling - well that feeling feels great.

OK there have been many guys well - who arejust plain weird - there is the accountant who deals in futures and shares but who also reads tarots, palms and reiki (??????). Then there is the stockbroker who asked me if I was into the master and slave thing and asked me whether I would like him to be my master. And I donknmow what it is but I keep getting emails from younger men - and I must say - some of them are bloody hot!

Infact, I was quite naughty and decided to have a bottle of red and my laptop last night and ended up chatting dirty (very naughty I know) but it was soooooooo muuuuuuucchchchchchchch fun!!!!!!!

Witches Brew

Oh God, just got a new German flatmate to replace to Polish flatmate who left just before Christmas - she sounds like cat being strangled permanently - I mean the gal doesn't switch off - don't get me wrong - the gal is very good looking and lovely but when she opens her mouth it sounds like someone has just stepped on a cats tail - I mean the dogs in Hong can hear her - my wee brain - oh the cells....

On another note the other German flatmate decided to show off her 'redecorated room' to be - Jesus Christ - it looks like a harem - gone are the lovely varnished old wooden floors and cream walls replace with see through fabrics, batiks and more see through fabrics, oriental rugs and lots of jos sticks - by golly - her ikea bed spread shouts to be taken into custody - what a beautiful room it used to be - I can to fake my 'oh it's lovely' but I normally am a bad liar - so she probably knows I think it looks - well - it looks like an asylum seeker lives there - now don't get me wrong I have nothing against aylum seekers - but it bloody well looks like an asylum seeker lives there - I am embarrased to invite people around .....

Well, did what my friend W, said and finally posted my photo on the dating site - and he was right - it did work - there a quite a few more, many from the same sort of wankers however the nice guys are starting to show their faces. Basically, we all have to now admit that it is true - the truth is that if you don't post your photo, no matter how good your advert sounds, all the guys ill think you are a moose - I'm not saying I'm stunningly attractive - I'm not that vain - but I am no moose either.

My very drunk french flatmate keeps popping his head round the door and telling me good night - one more and I think I'm going to punch him in the face.

Anyway, going to finish my cuppa and drift off to sleep. Again, I am having problems sleeping - 2 am in the morning, go to bed and ping my eyes are wide awake and then it's up for 8am for work again - and there goes the cycle. Needless to say I'm being really dull now - bloody hell I need a good rodgering.....

OK, goodnight, farewell, au revoir and my french flat mate is now going to get punched.

BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK

I fuckin had it all men are creeps.

Thought I check into the advert which I placed in one of the dating columns on the web. Recieved the following from a 42 year old username daveyduh - who apparently put himself down as living in Edinburgh with a kid in a relationship.

24 December 2006

Hello Lols, figured rather than query what an intertube is (??), I'd go straight for the jugular and ask which arts d'ya go for, like is it say the modern art museum and talbot rice thingy or the national gallery on the mound? Then follow that up with mexico and the Aztecs - like why them and not say Egypt or some of the ancient ruins in Asia?

Did not respond to this as this guy was in a relationship and had a kid.

The next day received the following:

25 December 2006

Well I figured, gazing over the Christmas carnage, that seeing as we both live in the shadow of Arthur's seat I'd have one last attempt (I figure 4 messages would be desperate, 5-6 a bit unnerving and 7+ downright creepy). So what you get for Christmas?

Still didn't respond. Thought he might take the hint and leave me alone.

Then low and behold guess what I received today:

03 January 2007

Please excuse me, I clearly didn't appreciate how special (or is that "wacky" or perhaps just rude), you actually are.

His location was now marked in Bristol. Funny that. Sorry? What was that? Wacky and rude for not responding to someones advert in dating column because they are in a relationship with child? Sorry - Fuck you mate - It's the sort of bastards like you that give men a bad name and so you can't take rejection on the chin so you have to write back and insult to feel better. So your quite happy to screw behind your partner's back - clearly FUCK OFF. BLOCK!!!

I felt so angry - so angry and then I thought to myself - I'm letting that piece of shit ruin my evening - NO.

Then low and behold just after I logged on I get a message from UserID DirtyGirlLover - what have I done to deserve this?

03 January 2007

Hiya babe, luv your profile you sound great. Luv to get to know you a bit better - At the moment I'm looking for no strings fun. Age and looks are unimportant, I just love women. x

WHERE DO I GET THESE TWATS FROM? WHERE DO THEY COME FROM?????????????????????????????????????????????????

The Devil's Juice

It's the 02 January - all the phone lines, broadband and tv cables have been down until now so after a million hours of sleep, loads of carrot juice, water and some good food - I'm suddenly beginning to feel my old self again.

I woke up to New Year with an awful hangover and a resolution that I will never drink vodka again. It never used to have this effect on me but since I started to drink it again (used to drink cider but it meant too many calories), it has been having a weird effect on me. I become an irrational bitch who thinks she can conqueror all and I really hate it. Last night, I managed to insult the bar staff as there was no prewarning of the bells - the first time we knew it was New Years was 12.15. I also managed to insult the cloakroom attendant, and a couple of PhD Students who flicked a 50p at me on the street as they were walking past whilst I was having a cigarette outside the club - I think I even managed to piss my mate S off as well. At the end of the evening, I came home and felt so alone that I burst into tears. I was a total bitch that evening - why - god only knows - what the hell came over me? So first thing is first - no more vodka for me. It’s not good.

So a day later, I feel more energised and looking forward to getting back to work. No New Years Resolutions for me this year however I have made an affirmation that I will be more decisive and not let the petty things tie me down. The only person who can control my life is me so I better start taking the reigns rather than hiding underneath the sheets and taking a POSITIVE action.

I managed to find the song that I used to love dancing to in the clubs a while back by Lexicon Avenue. Now, I know there are many of my friends that hate dance music - there is dance music and then there is dance music. All these bo bo bo bo bo with a terrible remake of a classic 80s song pushed on fast forward is not my cup of tea at all. The best way to describe this is that the ultimate dance music is like classical music - for some reason the beat, the tone, you feel this deep emotion, you get lost in the music, it is so euphoric - and I mean euphoric without the addition of drinks and drugs! I could dance and dance and dance and dance - it's amazing -the same is with classical music - it strikes a chord of such raw emotion within you -it's unexplainable.

So anyway - I decided to search out some more about this great DJ set - Lexicon Avenue - see www.lexiconavenue.com. Their sets are ussually played in Newcastle and abroad. So,I am thinking to getting some people down on my birthday down to Newcastle - well my 30th was crap - I got a box of teabags from my boyfriend and a diet book - don't ask - so I've decided I'm going to make up for this one by doing someting different this year. Oh that great song was From Dusk till Dawn - fab - best dance song ever!

Trust

Call me gullible, call me stupid - but every now and then I flick through Jonathan Cainers site and read my stars. For some reason - I can relate to them. He had a new tarot thing on where you could get your cards read so, to heck with it, I thought - for £4.75 lets have a reading.

So, I did - you see you have to concentrate and see clarity before you ask your question. Now I could be a realist here, like my good friend W, and start to think well these things rely on probability etc etc. However, I could also let my trust lie in these for once and see what happens. Afterall, with the element of probability, for example the lottery, to win - you have a one in 40 million chance - well something like that - ok there's the maths - the more tickets you buy the greater chance you have to win. But what is the probability that you are going to be that one in 40 million - it could be anyone - what is the probability that you will choose certain numbers? An element of fate must also play a part.

My dear friend W, say I suffer from pollyanna syndrome where whenever something bad happens, I try to look at it through rose tinted glasses. I have argued this with him. In order for something bad to happen, it could be fate, it could be yourself what you have done to bring yourself to these circumstances, and therefore with the logical side, you learn from your mistakes which has brought you to these circumstances, and you go forth without repeating those same mistakes again. You learn from your experiences - isn't that what is all about?

There is no use staying with the past. What has happened, has happened, and you get on with life. The other scenario is - for example, a bird flying past has done an enormous white shite on your head. To take the former into consideration, your mistakes to lead to this event would be

- that you left the house

- that you didn't hold some gps navigation system on you at all times, to dissect the area to make sure no birds fly in your zone.

-that you didn't constantly look above you to make sure no bird was in your path

- that you didn't shoot all birds or create some kind of virus that wipes the whole bird population out of existence.

This would, in turn, lead to an obsessive compulsive disorder - you would turn into a wacko.

Even if you had done all these things, who cannot say that a dog willl piss on your shoes one day whilst your walking past. So, in part an element of risk/fate is always involved.

What is risk? What is fate?

Risk.
–noun

1.Exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance: It's not worth the risk.

2.Insurance. a. the hazard or chance of loss; b. the degree of probability of such loss; c. the amount that the insurance company may lose; d. a person or thing with reference to the hazard involved in insuring him, her, or it; e. the type of loss, as life, fire, marine disaster, or earthquake, against which an insurance policy is drawn. –verb (used with object)

3. To expose to the chance of injury or loss; hazard: to risk one's life.

4. To venture upon; take or run the chance of: to risk a fall in climbing; to risk a war. —Idioms

5. At risk, a.in a dangerous situation or status; in jeopardy: families at risk in the area of the weakened dam; b.under financial or legal obligation; held responsible: Are individual investors at risk for the debt part of the real estate venture?

6. Take or run a risk, to expose oneself to the chance of injury or loss; put oneself in danger; hazard; venture.

Fate
–noun

1. Something that unavoidably befalls a person; fortune; lot: It is always his fate to be left behind.

2. The universal principle or ultimate agency by which the order of things is presumably prescribed; the decreed cause of events; time: Fate decreed that they would never meet again.

3. That which is inevitably predetermined; destiny: Death is our ineluctable fate.

4. A prophetic declaration of what must be: The oracle pronounced their fate.

5. Death, destruction, or ruin.

6. The Fates, Classical Mythology. the three goddesses of destiny, known to the Greeks as the Moerae and to the Romans as the Parcae.

So in essence, we can predetermine risk, by heck - the laws of project management - but we cannot predetermine fate.

Anyway back to the tarot - I won't say what the question I asked was - but what I will say is these - to summarise - I have always been on my guard - to ensure that I act in accordance to certain things and certain situations. I have always been scared to take risks. I have always mistrusted. And that is where the core problem lies. I am constantly worrying about what could happen and constantly worrying about the negative outcomes that in the end they will happen. For once, I need to relax, go with the flow, take each day as it comes, and let myself be pleasantly surprised. More importantly, I need to start to relax and start to trust people - afterall if I can trust a stupid tarot card reading, I should certainly be able to place my trust in things alot more? If I don't start to trust things more, I will hold myself back - I may never experience some of those wonderful things that could happen if I didn't hold back.

Bills

Well just finished calculating all the bills and sorting everything for council tax payment tomorrow. Hate doing this - but - has to be done!

Had a haircut at Toni and Guys (the first time in Edinburgh) and I must admit the guy who cut my hair did a fabulous job and was so kind - I was so happy, I gave him a £10 tip - he was so shocked and surprised - didn't want to take it at first - but I told him to as I was really happy with my hair. Definately recommend getting a guy to cut your hair if your a gal - they normally end up doing a great job. Crikey -I was so shocked - total turnaround from the Toni & Guys in Glasgow where the midget mod/punk bitchy girl stylists charge you twice as much and stand round you expecting a huge tip . I guess they have to fuel their coke habits in some way.

Had a chat with W last night with respect to my dilemma - he thinks I'm point blank stupid and I should text B and invite him for a drink and if the whole world starts to gossip then so be it.

I mentioned that I thought it would be bad etiquette - it wouldn't be fair on R - he told me the whole world is unfair and I should do things which put me first for a change. So if I wanted to go out for a drink I should go. Simply go -

The other thing that was bugging me was that I wanted a clean break from Glasgow and that arena of people - the reason I moved to Edinburgh was to start afresh on a new slate. Oh I don't know - I appear to find an excuse for everything. I can say that after living in Edinburgh for a month, I went back to Glasgow for a couple of hours for work. I felt such a distaste and sense of displeasure about the place that I was so happy to have moved out. Glasgow wasn't for me. I knew that first month in 1998 when I first moved there. Edinburgh on the other hand is such a delight.

Trying to figure out where we are going to spend New Years -we've decided on doing a pub crawl starting at the Festival Tavern and then heading off to the jazz club afterwards.

Right - quiet one - going to head off to bed now and do my chores for tomorrow.